Tag: #2021

Finding Contentment

Happiness, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough”
― Oprah Winfrey

When thinking about contentment and what to talk about in this blog post I thought about what makes me content. I thought about my wife and daughters, the books that I read, how I feel when I am painting pictures, and then I started thinking about things that make me laugh, things that make me smile. Contentment, as a subject, is a big subject to tackle in something as short as a blog post, but I thought that it was also an important subject to talk about too, especially after the stresses and changes, the grief and the trauma that we have had to deal with over the past 18 months.

So, what then can be the solution to the age-old problem of how to be content? If we are all different people then how can there be one answer to this problem? Many different people have tried to come up with an answer, each with a different perspective on the issue, often driven by their theological or philosophical beliefs. Some we know to be powerful spiritual figures such as the Buddha and Jesus, others were, and are, just philosophers trying to answer the question of how to be content. The rest of us, generally, just try to make the best of things. With all of the difficulties we each face in our lives it is hard to find the time to philosophise about the ways and means of finding contentment. For the majority of us we spend our days working hard to have money to pay the bills and the rent, or mortgage, hoping to have a little left over at the end of the month to treat ourselves, and the ones we love.

Yet, somewhere in the busyness that is our lives we do find some time to set aside to enjoy ourselves, whether it be spending time with the kids, going for a drink with friends, a walk in the woods or just staying in to watch something on the TV, we all do somehow manage to find time to enjoy ourselves a little. This time spent relaxing and enjoying ourselves is greatly necessary for us to go on functioning in the jobs that we do and the responsibilities that we have, we need to laugh and play and get back to the things which make us who we individually are. But is this contentment or is it just making the best of things?

I would say that we can find moments of contentment in these periods of relaxation and enjoyment. We have all, I think, or at least I hope, had moments when we’ve paused and thought ‘my life is good right now, the good things outweigh the bad things and I am happy.’ An attitude of enjoying the small thing in life can be a useful attitude to have, as it helps us deal with the big problems we all face. The old saying ‘The best things in life are free’ is in a similar vein, and is good advice, often given by parents, or grandparents, to children who want things that are expensive and well advertised on the TV.

That being said, contentment can seem a complicated or difficult state of mind to achieve. But perhaps it isn’t contentment that is complicated but ourselves. Perhaps it is our own complications that can make it so difficult for us to achieve contentment, consistently. We have many thoughts running through our minds each day, as well as many emotions, either flaring up, such as anger, or lingering, such as sadness. There is a constant flow of both thoughts and emotions, almost like a river, which swells and runs dry over and over. With such turbulent minds it is no wonder that we find it difficult to settle and be content.

People also deal with things differently. In any situation there are those who are totally emotionally involved, and as a result their emotions jump up and down with the ups and downs of life. Others do not engage their emotions very much at all, and so are quite detached from any ups and downs that life throws at them. We all know people that fit either of these types of behaviour, and we know people who are both negative about life and those who are positive. I can be beneficial to think about how positive or negative we are to life’s us and downs. 

How we feel about our lives is often caused by our reactions to the events within it. Our reactions to the events of life are the responses that our brains throw up almost without us thinking about it, they are habits that we have formed over our whole lifetime. For example, if we disagree with something do we get angry very quickly and say the first thing that comes to mind, while we are angry, or do we take time to create a considered argument to explain how and why we disagree. If something bad happens to us do we react emotionally, getting angry or upset about our favourite cup getting broken or missing the bus to work, or do we think that the cup was only a thing and can be replaced and even though we missed our bus there will be another one along soon?

Things are only good or bad depending on how we see them. Roger Walsh M.D., Ph.D. put it well when he wrote “We do not see things only as they are, but also as we are.” If you think about that for a moment it is actually quite profound. This is only a quotation, but if you think about it in a wider context you could say that everything we see, or even experience, is coloured by the way we are at the time, how we are feeling, if we are tired, if we are in a rush or taking our time. This might be an obvious point that I am making but it is something we often forget when we are reacting to things that happen to us, because we are reacting. But if we remember that what we are experiencing from moment to moment is affected by how we are in those moments then we have a better chance of dealing well with the ups and downs of life, and I would say a better chance of being content as well. This is consciously choosing to be in a beautiful state, not an angry state or a stressed state, but a beautiful one.

Talking of beautiful states, the Euros 2020 final was a big moment in my home country’s footballing history, where England made it to the final of the Euros, something many football fans thought would never happen. Prior to the result of the match, the mood of the nation had been lifted, whether you enjoy football or not, the positivity has been infectious and we have been living in a happier state, generally, until of course we lost in penalties again. But we must remember that both Italy, who we faced in the final, and England have had a really difficult time during the pandemic and the joy we felt in both of our nations up to the final, and more so for Italy now, mark a new chapter in our national stories, it is a great contrast to the suffering we have had. The deeper the turmoil the higher the joy and the better we can choose to live; this is also true even when our football team does not win. And with the Olympics starting in Tokyo I hope each nations spirits will be lifts as they follow their athletes who are competing.

In order to be more content it is perhaps better to act instead of react, by which I mean taking control of the moments before we react so that we can make better decisions in what we say and what we do, in response to any situation. There is a Buddhist Mindfulness practice called the Three Minute Breathing Space to be used when we feel angry or stressed about something. The practice consists of stopping what you are doing and taking some slow and deep breathes for three minutes, or less if you like. It is a quick time out from the stresses of life, which can help enormously if you live particularly stressful lives. Practices like this can reduce stress and give us the presence of mind to avoid reacting to situations without thinking about what we intend to say or do in response to them.

We all have ways that help us de-stress, ways that we have developed through out our lives, hobbies that we have chosen to do, activities that are part of our daily routine, which are enjoyable and fun. But, these things are rarely structured activities as part of a path to find contentment, they are the things that make life enjoyable and fun, when it can be. There is nothing wrong with making the best out of life and enjoying it as much as possible. In many ways I would say that this is a road to contentment itself, but for those that want a more structured approach to finding contentment there is religion or a spiritual path. Here are some words on contentment from the some of the great religions of the world.

The Buddha said: ‘Contentment is the highest wealth.’ (Dhp.204), meaning that when we are content we do not need to get anything, go anywhere or be anything to be happy because we already are, and thus, contentment is more valuable than any possession or accomplishment. The Buddha describes the monk’s contentment like this: ‘He is satisfied with a robe to cover his body and alms food to satisfy his stomach and having accepted no more than is sufficient he goes his way, just as a bird flies here and there taking with it no more than its wings.’(D.I,71).

In the Bible, in the book of Timothy 6:verse 6-8 it says:

“Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.”

In Yoga, in the Hindu tradition, there are the Niyamas, ten ethical guidelines, which are the foundation of skillful living, or living in a morally good way. The second Niyama is called Santosha, or Contentment, and the expectation is this:

Nurture contentment, seeking joy and serenity in life. Be happy, smile and uplift others. Live in constant gratitude for your health, your friends and your belongings, Don’t complain about what you don’t possess. Identify with the eternal You, rather than mind, body or emotions. Keep the mountaintop view that life is an opportunity for spiritual progress. Live in the eternal now.

This is all good advice, and it makes it clear to me that on the road to contentment a spiritual path can be beneficial, because we are given advice on how to live in order to be content. There is a direct relationship between the directions given and the attainment of contentment, as many who have followed spiritual paths have stated in the past.

But what about those of us who are making the best of things, those of us that have busy lives spent doing what we can to provide for our families and ourselves, and follow our own spiritual paths when we can. Life can be difficult, and keeping a calm perspective on things when life doesn’t always go to plan is not an easy thing to do. I recommend using the wisdom of the many religions of the world, and the wisdom of those around us, our friends and family as well, they are our helpers, they sustain us as we sustain them. Our paths through life are also greatly helped by the enjoyment of life itself, our pleasure in the small things, and not wanting more than the world has allowed us to have. I believe it is a blessing to be alive at all, everything else is a bonus.

Setting Goals For 2021

Achieving Goals

“It must be borne in mind that the tragedy of life doesn’t lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goals to reach.” — Benjamin E. Mays

Another year has begun, and like many people I have set myself goals for the coming year, things I intend to do to improve or enrich my life. I’m sure many of you have at least thought about making new years resolutions, it is something that seems to be a requirement of starting a new year. Often our goals are based on what we have done or not done in the previous year. 2020 has been a very different year for us all. Much of what we had planned at the beginning of the year had to be set aside as we navigated the challenges of living through a pandemic.

We have had to connect through screens to feel close to the people we love, our families, our friends, and many used Zoom to maintain team cohesion at work and fellowship in collective worship. The year 2020 will be a year that we will want to leave behind us. It has taken its toll on us in many ways. However, with the vaccine being rolled out we can look at the year ahead with more optimism. We can hold true to the very human notion that better things are coming our way. There is hope that we will return to a sense of normality. More than ever in our lives, the end of one year and the beginning of another brings with it a sense of both relief and hope. Hope for a better year to come. More than ever, this is also a good time to look at setting goals for what we want to achieve in the year ahead, Coronavirus permitting.

As we set these goals we could consider some of the top new years resolutions, like being more organised, quitting smoking or learning something new. These are all good resolutions to aim for. The general impetus is the improvement of ourselves and our habits, but underneath all of them, I think, is the drive to try and become happier; happier with ourselves and with our lives.

For as long as human beings could conceive of such things, people have been in search of this thing we call happiness, this illusive state that underlies the motives behind much of our thoughts and actions. Aristotle said that “Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence.” However, it is often something that we experience only in fleeting moments, in brief periods of time that come and then go as we venture on into the future of our lives.

This is often the case because we are seeking happiness out there in the world. We often make the acquiring of things the way in which we try to find happiness. Whether it is a new car, a new TV, recognition for an achievement or becoming wealthier than we currently are, the failure is always going to be in the hope that the things and people in the world are going to match our expectations. Things rarely work out as we expect them to, life, as we have discovered over this passed year, is often not like that. If we look at the many religious and philosophical writings of the world we will find a recurring idea, that the root to happiness is to be found within ourselves rather than in the acquiring of worldly things.

In the Bible in the Gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke it says “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” A parable I think many of us have frequently heard, and what Jesus means by the ‘Kingdom of God’ is heaven, a place or state where we would have complete and unending happiness. You may not believe that there is such a place or state as heaven, and you are well within your rights to do so. Beliefs are personal and personal beliefs should be respected. But if there was such a thing as unending happiness, it would be such a wonderful thing that most, if not all, of the world religions have this desire at their very heart. Indeed it is at the very heart of what it means to be human. Whether we call it heaven, moksha or nirvana the experience of it will be the same.

Just before the passage in the Bible about the camel and the eye of a needle, Jesus says “Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” Here I think Jesus means that if we try to receive heaven with expectations then we will never receive it. In other words, if we seek happiness with expectations then we will not become happy, because, as I have said, life rarely conforms to our expectations of it. I say this because one of the main things that separates children from adults is that children begin from a place without expectations, they do things for the pure joy of doing them. They spin around on swings, climb trees, dance and run around because they enjoy doing so. They do not think about the end result of spinning around on a swing, they just do it. We can learn a lot from children; I think we loose a lot when we transition into adulthood.

In the Tao Te Ching, a text written around 500 BCE by Lao Tzu, a Chinese sage, teacher, and scribe, it says,

“Better to stop short than fill to the brim. Oversharpen the blade, and the edge will soon blunt. Amass a store of gold and jade, and no one can protect it. Claim wealth and titles, and disaster will follow. Retire when the work is done. This is the way of heaven.”

To be and to do, this is what is important, rather than to get and to have.

I have heard it said that we struggle to find happiness  because of the very act of seeking it. This might sound crazy, but what I mean is, that if we make the pursuit of happiness a demand, something that we feel we must do, then the pressure of this demand can make us unhappy. The desire to be happy becomes twisted into a demand that we think we have to achieve. What we need to do instead is to create the conditions for happiness in our lives. This could be found in enjoying activities for their own sake, much like children do. When we are engrossed in something we become one with the moment that we are in. There is no past or future, only the now, the moment we are in. When we are engaged in sporting activities, creative activities,  good conversations, listening to a fantastic piece of music, we are lost in the moment, we are centred and content. We have all experienced glimpses of this and once we have had a taste of it we generally want more, and I think this fuels our pursuit of happiness.

The problem with life is that with the fantastic moments also come the sad and painful moments, moments that can make us feel that we may find it difficult to find happiness again, so we immerse ourselves in the pursuit of happiness in the world, when the answer is not in our experiences in the world, but in our understanding of those experiences. Happiness is found in how we view the world and all the people and things within it. It involves our beliefs and our opinions, and it involves letting go of our prejudices and judgements.

There is something else which is important, especially in times such as these, and that is building resilience. Some people are generally more resilient to challenges in their lives, and some really struggle. I recently watched a TED Talk on The Three Secrets of Resilient People and I think they are good pieces of advice. The first is that resilient people now that challenges happen, that everything is not all a bunch of roses, they are realistic about the ups and downs of life. They also do not say to themselves, “why does this happen to me,” which would put them in the position of a victim, which takes away any control they think they have in the situation.

The second is that resilient people are careful where they choose to put their attention. They focus on what they can change and not what they cannot. We are hard wired through evolution to pay attention to the negative, to the things that could harm us, but we no longer have to worry about a sabre-toothed tiger being around the corner. In short, resilient people tune into the good things in life, they focus on being grateful every day. In fact studies show that if we think of three things to be grateful for each day over a period of months our tendency towards depression decreases and we become happier.

The third is that resilient people ask themselves, “is what I am thinking or doing helpful or harmful” and if it is harmful they they stop and change to something more helpful. They are kinder to themselves, and this puts them in the drivers seat of their lives. It gives them control over the decisions they make.

These three actions are things that we can all do, and we are all people who have and will have challenging times, especially at the moment. Following these three steps can make the challenges we face easier to bear and make us more proactive in our own happiness making.

This all being said, should we still make new years resolutions? Of course we should. Without setting goals we will never progress or achieve anything, but I would suggest we should firstly think about what it is we really want, what personal problems we are currently facing and how we might change our thinking or our actions to make them better. However, these goals should come from a desire rather than a demand, within a context of the changes we can make in our lives that will allow our goals to happen. This is creating the conditions for happiness to find us, rather than seeking the happiness we want.

Every living being has the right to be happy, but we should remember that it is OK to be happy with what we already have; we can be content with what we already have. So it can be helpful to think about what in our lives is just as we want it to be, what things don’t need changing, and whatever is left over can become things we aim to improve. Being aware of the good things in our lives first can make us more grateful, and therefore happier without trying to achieve happiness.

We could also set ourselves goals aimed at improving the lives of other people. This could be giving to charity or a food bank, it could be trying to make other people smile each day, whatever we can think of to help other people. Whether we did or didn’t achieve our goals last year let us strive to achieve our goals this year. Let us aim to make it a very good year for ourselves and all of those around us, because some of the best goals are those that enrich and improve the lives of other people.

2020 was a very challenging year, but we got through it. People came together and did extraordinary things in the service of others. The human spirit persevered. We take this energy through to a new year. Let us make it a wonderful year, for us all.

Making The Most Of 2021

Achieving Goals

“There is nothing magical about the flip of the calendar, but it represents a clean break, a new hope, and a blank canvas.”

― Jason Soroski

The year of 2020 will go down as possibly the worst year we have lived through, especially for those born after World War Two. The Coronavirus has ravaged our health services, our economies and our personal lives through loss and separation. The end of 2020 and the beginning of 2021 was an emotional one for many, as it means that even though we still need to remain vigilant around keeping ourselves and our loved ones safe, through social-distancing measures, 2020 is behind us.

In 2020, many of us had to adjust to living more solitary lives, with us not being able to mix with friends and family as we normally would, and many had to learn new skills around working from home. The term Key Worker took on new meanings, as supermarket assistants became essential to keeping us all going. Those on the front line in hospitals in our battle with this virus went through seemingly unending heartbreak with a kind of hardy stoicism that made them into superheroes in our eyes. The use of technology like Zoom became the way we remained connected to loved ones, to congregations from places of worship and to colleagues for team meetings, where we gathered remotely. Much of which we will be taking with us through to the coming year.

All of the normal things are true about starting a new year. The days will be getting longer and warmer, we get to set goals for the year ahead and there is a new beginning before us; we can rethink what we want out of life and we can reinvent ourselves to a degree. This is our moment to decide what we want our 2021 to be like. There will still be much that we cannot control, as is the nature of life, but if we accept what we cannot control we can put our focus and our energy into the things we can. The prime example of this is our attitude to the circumstances we are in. If we are working from home, we can see this as a barrier to team cohesion or we can see it as an opportunity to learn new skills and work in a more flexible manner to get our work done. If we have to use technology like Zoom to keep in touch we friends and family, we can learn new ways to connect and be grateful that this pandemic is happening now and not before the invention of the internet.

So, when it comes to setting goals for the coming year I would like you to consider that one of the reasons that new year’s resolutions tend not to work is that as we are resolving to make the changes for the year ahead, by default, we are not thinking of them as permanent changes, therefore we are often not 100% committed. Research on this tells us that even if we are 98% committed, we often do not follow through, because that 2% matters. Instead, if we see the new resolutions as life resolutions with 100% commitment, then the decision is made, it is done, and we do not need to deliberate it any more. We are all in on the new changes we are making.

The areas I recommend you look at making goals in are your health, your career, your relationships and in your self mastery. The last one is around developing a growth mindset, seeing confidence, optimism and resilience as skills to be developed. Also, to go all in on the project, the plans or the challenge you have been putting off. If we have learned anything from 2020 it is that life is precious and a long life is not a guarantee. So, let’s go and make 2021 an amazing year, full of ambitions achieved, kindness shared and joy generated.