“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough”
― Oprah Winfrey
When thinking about contentment and what to talk about in this blog post I thought about what makes me content. I thought about my wife and daughters, the books that I read, how I feel when I am painting pictures, and then I started thinking about things that make me laugh, things that make me smile. Contentment, as a subject, is a big subject to tackle in something as short as a blog post, but I thought that it was also an important subject to talk about too, especially after the stresses and changes, the grief and the trauma that we have had to deal with over the past 18 months.
So, what then can be the solution to the age-old problem of how to be content? If we are all different people then how can there be one answer to this problem? Many different people have tried to come up with an answer, each with a different perspective on the issue, often driven by their theological or philosophical beliefs. Some we know to be powerful spiritual figures such as the Buddha and Jesus, others were, and are, just philosophers trying to answer the question of how to be content. The rest of us, generally, just try to make the best of things. With all of the difficulties we each face in our lives it is hard to find the time to philosophise about the ways and means of finding contentment. For the majority of us we spend our days working hard to have money to pay the bills and the rent, or mortgage, hoping to have a little left over at the end of the month to treat ourselves, and the ones we love.
Yet, somewhere in the busyness that is our lives we do find some time to set aside to enjoy ourselves, whether it be spending time with the kids, going for a drink with friends, a walk in the woods or just staying in to watch something on the TV, we all do somehow manage to find time to enjoy ourselves a little. This time spent relaxing and enjoying ourselves is greatly necessary for us to go on functioning in the jobs that we do and the responsibilities that we have, we need to laugh and play and get back to the things which make us who we individually are. But is this contentment or is it just making the best of things?
I would say that we can find moments of contentment in these periods of relaxation and enjoyment. We have all, I think, or at least I hope, had moments when we’ve paused and thought ‘my life is good right now, the good things outweigh the bad things and I am happy.’ An attitude of enjoying the small thing in life can be a useful attitude to have, as it helps us deal with the big problems we all face. The old saying ‘The best things in life are free’ is in a similar vein, and is good advice, often given by parents, or grandparents, to children who want things that are expensive and well advertised on the TV.
That being said, contentment can seem a complicated or difficult state of mind to achieve. But perhaps it isn’t contentment that is complicated but ourselves. Perhaps it is our own complications that can make it so difficult for us to achieve contentment, consistently. We have many thoughts running through our minds each day, as well as many emotions, either flaring up, such as anger, or lingering, such as sadness. There is a constant flow of both thoughts and emotions, almost like a river, which swells and runs dry over and over. With such turbulent minds it is no wonder that we find it difficult to settle and be content.
People also deal with things differently. In any situation there are those who are totally emotionally involved, and as a result their emotions jump up and down with the ups and downs of life. Others do not engage their emotions very much at all, and so are quite detached from any ups and downs that life throws at them. We all know people that fit either of these types of behaviour, and we know people who are both negative about life and those who are positive. I can be beneficial to think about how positive or negative we are to life’s us and downs.
How we feel about our lives is often caused by our reactions to the events within it. Our reactions to the events of life are the responses that our brains throw up almost without us thinking about it, they are habits that we have formed over our whole lifetime. For example, if we disagree with something do we get angry very quickly and say the first thing that comes to mind, while we are angry, or do we take time to create a considered argument to explain how and why we disagree. If something bad happens to us do we react emotionally, getting angry or upset about our favourite cup getting broken or missing the bus to work, or do we think that the cup was only a thing and can be replaced and even though we missed our bus there will be another one along soon?
Things are only good or bad depending on how we see them. Roger Walsh M.D., Ph.D. put it well when he wrote “We do not see things only as they are, but also as we are.” If you think about that for a moment it is actually quite profound. This is only a quotation, but if you think about it in a wider context you could say that everything we see, or even experience, is coloured by the way we are at the time, how we are feeling, if we are tired, if we are in a rush or taking our time. This might be an obvious point that I am making but it is something we often forget when we are reacting to things that happen to us, because we are reacting. But if we remember that what we are experiencing from moment to moment is affected by how we are in those moments then we have a better chance of dealing well with the ups and downs of life, and I would say a better chance of being content as well. This is consciously choosing to be in a beautiful state, not an angry state or a stressed state, but a beautiful one.
Talking of beautiful states, the Euros 2020 final was a big moment in my home country’s footballing history, where England made it to the final of the Euros, something many football fans thought would never happen. Prior to the result of the match, the mood of the nation had been lifted, whether you enjoy football or not, the positivity has been infectious and we have been living in a happier state, generally, until of course we lost in penalties again. But we must remember that both Italy, who we faced in the final, and England have had a really difficult time during the pandemic and the joy we felt in both of our nations up to the final, and more so for Italy now, mark a new chapter in our national stories, it is a great contrast to the suffering we have had. The deeper the turmoil the higher the joy and the better we can choose to live; this is also true even when our football team does not win. And with the Olympics starting in Tokyo I hope each nations spirits will be lifts as they follow their athletes who are competing.
In order to be more content it is perhaps better to act instead of react, by which I mean taking control of the moments before we react so that we can make better decisions in what we say and what we do, in response to any situation. There is a Buddhist Mindfulness practice called the Three Minute Breathing Space to be used when we feel angry or stressed about something. The practice consists of stopping what you are doing and taking some slow and deep breathes for three minutes, or less if you like. It is a quick time out from the stresses of life, which can help enormously if you live particularly stressful lives. Practices like this can reduce stress and give us the presence of mind to avoid reacting to situations without thinking about what we intend to say or do in response to them.
We all have ways that help us de-stress, ways that we have developed through out our lives, hobbies that we have chosen to do, activities that are part of our daily routine, which are enjoyable and fun. But, these things are rarely structured activities as part of a path to find contentment, they are the things that make life enjoyable and fun, when it can be. There is nothing wrong with making the best out of life and enjoying it as much as possible. In many ways I would say that this is a road to contentment itself, but for those that want a more structured approach to finding contentment there is religion or a spiritual path. Here are some words on contentment from the some of the great religions of the world.
The Buddha said: ‘Contentment is the highest wealth.’ (Dhp.204), meaning that when we are content we do not need to get anything, go anywhere or be anything to be happy because we already are, and thus, contentment is more valuable than any possession or accomplishment. The Buddha describes the monk’s contentment like this: ‘He is satisfied with a robe to cover his body and alms food to satisfy his stomach and having accepted no more than is sufficient he goes his way, just as a bird flies here and there taking with it no more than its wings.’(D.I,71).
In the Bible, in the book of Timothy 6:verse 6-8 it says:
“Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.”
In Yoga, in the Hindu tradition, there are the Niyamas, ten ethical guidelines, which are the foundation of skillful living, or living in a morally good way. The second Niyama is called Santosha, or Contentment, and the expectation is this:
Nurture contentment, seeking joy and serenity in life. Be happy, smile and uplift others. Live in constant gratitude for your health, your friends and your belongings, Don’t complain about what you don’t possess. Identify with the eternal You, rather than mind, body or emotions. Keep the mountaintop view that life is an opportunity for spiritual progress. Live in the eternal now.
This is all good advice, and it makes it clear to me that on the road to contentment a spiritual path can be beneficial, because we are given advice on how to live in order to be content. There is a direct relationship between the directions given and the attainment of contentment, as many who have followed spiritual paths have stated in the past.
But what about those of us who are making the best of things, those of us that have busy lives spent doing what we can to provide for our families and ourselves, and follow our own spiritual paths when we can. Life can be difficult, and keeping a calm perspective on things when life doesn’t always go to plan is not an easy thing to do. I recommend using the wisdom of the many religions of the world, and the wisdom of those around us, our friends and family as well, they are our helpers, they sustain us as we sustain them. Our paths through life are also greatly helped by the enjoyment of life itself, our pleasure in the small things, and not wanting more than the world has allowed us to have. I believe it is a blessing to be alive at all, everything else is a bonus.
Then, when we discover our ‘Why’ we must discover how we are going to bring this ‘Why’ to life in our day to day lives. This is what I call our ‘Way’. In his book, Start With Why, Simon Sinek sets out the importance of finding your ‘why’ in order to live a purposeful life. He talks about how companies also need to clearly define their ‘why’, companies such as Apple have a clearly defined Why, to empower the individual against the big system. He also gives individual examples of Martin Luther King Junior who gave the “I have a dream” speech, not the “I have a plan speech”, as Simon Sinek puts it, and the Wright Brothers, who figured out powered manned flight for the first time, working out of their bicycle shop, with the intention of changing the world with their invention.
‘how’ we express this why and then finally ‘what’ we do to prove the why we have. He calls this the Golden Circle, in the centre is the Why, then next the How and on the outside of the circle is the What, and it looks a bit like a bullseye. The important point here is that our human brains work from the why to the what when making decisions. The part of the brain that is responsible for decision making and our feelings like trust and loyalty is the Limbic Brain, which has no capacity for language. This is why we more easily agree with things that match our values and beliefs, not the details and the factual information.
Advertising companies tell us that we will become either happy or successful if we buy their product or service, only to be told a few months down the line that a new product or service will do the same, but neither a product or a service will make us happy, as they are invariably transient, they change or break and the happiness promised is really only excitement and joy. We are often told that the measure of success is the amount of money we have or the amount of things we own, but it really does depend on how we measure success, as individuals.
The Fullfilment Project 