The Fullfilment Project

Your Lifelong Journey

The day before yesterday it snowed where I live and for a few hours everything was white. Then the snow turned to rain and washed away the snowy scene. The snow flakes were big and fluffy and fell through the air with a kind of grace.

Each snowflake was made from a drop of water that passed through streams of air, some of which began to freeze the water into crystals. As the drop of water passed through the atmosphere it began to freeze more and more and the water formed larger and larger crystals, its path through the ever changing atmosphere was unique, caused a unique crystal pattern to form. It is the path that the snowflake takes that determines its shape and size.

We are much like snow flakes. We all pass through the atmosphere of life, but we each have our own journey to take, growing as we travel. The experiences we have shape who we are and how we behave in the world. They say that every snowflake is unique and the same can be said of each human life. We each have experiences and memories, knowledge and wisdom, intentions and goals.

Your life is an unchartered journey through wonder and danger alike. You may wish to follow in the footsteps of those greater than you feel you are, but what you will learn and what you will do along the way is uniquely yours.

Feeling At Home

Happiness, Relationships

I have a few places where I feel like I belong. One of them is being at home with my wife and daughters. This is my home base, to use a baseball euphemism. To extend this euphemism further, I feel that when it comes to my religious beliefs my Unitarian chapel is my religious base. I feel at home in any Unitarian church or chapel.

When it comes to feeling connected to the natural world, being near trees and grass, flowers and all of the animals, birds and insects that share the Earth with us, feels like being in my natural world base.

You will have places and situations which are your bases, places where you feel a connection to something outside of yourself, and this is a very good thing. These bases are spaces in which we should spend time just being, and exploring all that it means to be a human being, and more than that, being the individual human being that we each are.

Meaning In Life

Happiness, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

We are all here connected to the interconnected web of all existence. We are connected to the tree that have become the wooden chair on which you sit, if you are, and the life that this tree fed and sheltered. We are connected to all that has come before us and all that will come after us, when we are again returned to the universal elements from which we are now composed.

These elements will be as useful in the grand fabric of the universe as they are now, in this very moment. All of this underpins whatever our beliefs may be. If we believe in God or we don’t, if we believe in an existence after we die, either in heaven or through reincarnation, or we don’t, we are all still part of the same ocean of existence.

According to the website ‘www.actionforhappiness.org “Meaning in life can feel like a mysterious or esoteric topic, one that philosophers through the ages, and later psychologists, have tried hard to pin down. At its core, it’s a sense of being connected to, part of, and/or contributing to something bigger, beyond ourselves. This might sound huge but it isn’t, we are all connected to the world around us in a myriad of ways which means there are many ways we can make a difference.”

Blaming Others

Happiness, Relationships

We blame others a lot for the negative things that happen to us, but we hardly blame others for the positive things that happen to us. Blame works both ways.

We have evolved to focus on the negative, because in a life or death situation we survive if we see the danger. This has an adverse effect now we have less danger in our lives. We are also fed negativity in the news, and the media generally, because it is what we pay attention to and it increases their number of views.

If we let ourselves only focus on the bad things that people do in our lives we tip out of balance and it wears away at us over the years. There needs to be balance. Blame people for the good they do more than the bad. Rebalance the way you see people and you will feel more blessed and less depressed.

Stronger Together

Happiness, Relationships, The Pathway To Fulfilment

When you get knocked down in life you have two choices. Stay down and give up or find a way to rise again. Sometimes we can rise alone, if we have the internal resources to do so, but usually we need the help of others through the relationships we have and new ones we form or the wisdom in books and online content.

It takes courage to stand after you fall, but often we should not try to stand alone, we should seek support. We are always stronger together. It is often seen as a weakness to ask for help, but it is the most courageous act we can do when we have been knocked down by life. We can stand alone again in the future, but take the support when it is available.

Being Courageous

Achieving Goals, Happiness, Success

For some, acting with courage it is getting out of bed and leaving their bedroom. For some it is standing on a stage and giving a speech. For some it is challenging the abusive behaviour of a loved one. For some it is stepping into the unknown. For some it is failing and trying again.

With every act of courage there are three things present, a decision, vulnerability and fear. There are many other aspects to courage, but these three are less recognised, especially the last two. For many, when we think of courage we think of being fearless, but you cannot have courage without fear. It is simply not courage if you are not scared.

You are also vulnerable when you act with courage, because you are either stepping into the unknown or you are letting others see who you really are; both of which make you vulnerable. The decision to act with courage is usually made in alignment with a person’s values, beliefs or ethics, or some combination of these.

There has to be a reason why an act of courage is needed, something more important than playing it small and being safe. When we act with courage we are also usually helping others directly or giving others around us permission to be courageous.

A courageous life is a life well lived.

The Key To Positive Interactions

Happiness, The Pathway To Fulfilment

I used to work in a special needs school working young people with conditions like Autism and ADHD and I was thinking today about how we often assume everyone else experiences the world in the same way that we do. It is an assumption that we don’t necessarily decide on, it is just there.

Some Autistic people struggle to understand social rules, empathy and some find facial expressions difficult to process. Seeing the world as someone with Autism sees it is very different to someone who does not have Autism. We all also see through the lens of our own experiences as well. Our experience of the world is in fact unique to us. This means that it is unique for everyone else too.

So, when we interact with other people it is best to try and listen to understand the other person’s experience and how they understand that experience. Empathy is the key to successful relationships of any kind. If you understand where someone is coming from and why, then compassion is often the next step in connecting with them. If we assume we are always right, we will never learn anything new. Every interaction with another person is an opportunity to learn something new.

What Should We Unlearn?

Happiness

Our reality is largely what we are told that it is, from the explanations and examples of our parents to the education we receive to the religion or lack of religion that we follow. Our starting point for understanding our place in the world, or the universe, is received from other people.

It is only later in life, as our childhood becomes adulthood that we really start to question the foundations of understanding that we have been taught. Some understandings, particularly religious ones, it seems, can last a lifetime without being questioned.

There are many understandings of things, both religious and non-religious, that create divisions, which are further worsened by seeing a them and an us. More and more I am starting to believe that there are no divisions or categories or labels except the ones we create to understand the world and the universe, to give us a framework from which to go about our daily lives.

Don’t get me wrong, without such things we would not have science or medicine or a great many other things, but there is much, I think, that we have to unlearn about how we see each other and our place in the grand scheme of things.

Spread Some Love

The Pathway To Fulfilment

Today is Valentine’s Day, a day when expectations are high and romantic gestures are a plenty. It is also an opportunity to be kind to each other. My 2 year old brought home a Valentine’s card for us from nursery and it said on the front ‘Thumb Body Love’s You.’

She had dipped her thumb in red paint and made lots of red thumb prints on the front, which the nursery staff had turned into ladybirds. It was an opportunity for our 2 year old to learn the importance of kindness.

Valentine’s Day is certainly a day for couples, but many people are single and find this annual date difficult. Many people find every day difficult. So, single or attached, use this day to be kinder to one another, everyone deserves kindness in their lives.

Criticism Is Not Contribution

Happiness, The Pathway To Fulfilment

When we criticise in order to gain social points. When we insult someone to be funny. When we try to tear someone down so we can be lifted up, we are not contributing positively to the world. When people put themselves out there on social media, online or on TV, often the Trolls come out with horrible comments; this is not helpful.

We all know trolling online is not a nice thing to do, but often we enjoy poking fun at what people wear or what they do. It has become acceptable to be unkind about people behind their back, because that person is not in our social group.

If we are going to move forward positively as a society and a human race we need to cut out the behaviour that drags others down and focus on supporting each other in living a fulfilling life.

The Gift Of Listening

The Pathway To Fulfilment

Recently I have started to try and really listen to people, to give them my full attention and it has uplifted those I listened to. To be heard is often rare in the age of technology and smart devices that demand our attention. We often spend more time interacting with devices than we do face to face with each other.

We have lived through a pandemic that has made the connection through digital devices a necessity and a lifeline for many, but as we come out of this pandemic and return to the office, and other places of work, we should remember that really listening to someone is a gift, a gift of your time, which is a finite resource for us all.

To be there when people have something to share, no matter how sad or exciting it may be, is an age old activity that bonds you and the other person, even if just a little. In our tribal days, as we hunted and gathered to survive, these sorts of bonds were part of being a tribe. Now we have no tribe as such, but the importance of listening has not faded with our evolution and revolutions, it is in fact more important as devices distract us from being with each other.

Avoiding Blind Certainty

Success

Almost a hundred years ago Edwin Hubble was studying the Andromeda Galaxy and discovered that it was not part of our Milkyway Galaxy. It was thought at the time that the universe was no bigger than our Galaxy, but this discovery changed this in 1923.

It is strange to think that not that long ago our view of the universe was so small in comparison to how we view it today. This to me highlights how open we need to be to new information. We can feel certain about something until it is proven wrong. It was once thought that the Sun moved around the Earth and that the Earth was flat.

Problems arise when we hold on to our certainty, even when new information arises to disprove what we have been certain about. Openness to change and the humility to change our views is much more useful in life than blind certainty.

Finding Your Calling

Happiness, Success

You may ask, how do we find our calling? Usually it is something that you enjoy so much that time passes unnoticed or it just feels right when you do it. It could be a job you have or a vocation you take up. It could be as simple as helping people read or making people laugh. Jim Carrey has said that his purpose in being a comedian, and then a comedic actor, was to free people from concern.

For some people their purpose or calling is coaching and for others it is saving lives, and the list goes on. A good way to find your calling is to try lots of different things, but it really helps to have figured out your values, beliefs and ethics first, as these will act as a compass to guide you towards your calling and will cut down on the time spent trying things out.

A person’s calling is not always something they are good at when they find out what it is they are called to do. Sometimes, it takes effort and consistent trial and error to get good at what it is you are called to do, but you will often have some level of experience and skill already, or at least the passion to do it. The thing to do is to have the courage to try and try again.

You Are What You Think

Happiness

It has been said that the mind is the source of all our sorrow, but it is also the source of all by our joy. It is true that we say things to ourselves that we would never say to anyone else, we are often our biggest critic. It is also true that the way we think about a situation influences how we understand it and how we feel about it.

If you say to yourself “this always happens to me” or “why me?” you are essentially making yourself into a victim, and a victim has no control over their life, they are helpless. We have thoughts like this all the time, through habit and having heard them when we were growing up. Often we are not even aware of the effect of saying such things out loud or to ourselves.

Our self image is also largely influenced by what we say and think to ourselves. We really are what we think. In the words of William Shakespeare, “…there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Don’t Judge Others

Happiness, Success

In my role at work in a call centre, I spoke to a customer who had lots of notes from previous calls stating they were abusive. When I spoke to them I tried to remain open minded and at the start of the call the customer let me know about the mental health problems they had and how they can sometimes get very anxious.

The call had a positive outcome and the customer was very amicable. I made no assumptions and gave them time to speak and I remained polite throughout the call. If I had assumed that he was going to be rude or abusive I could have become defensive from the beginning of the call, giving the customer negativity to react against.

People generally feed off each other’s tone, body language and choice of words. So, the best thing to do is to assume the best in every person you meet and act accordingly. The interactions you will have with people will be more productive and more pleasant.

To Read Is To Grow

Happiness, Success

Many people don’t read on a regular basis. They read social media posts or snippets of news stories on their mobile phones, but reading seems to be something fewer people do for pleasure these days. I may be wrong, but that’s how it seems to me.

Reading has many benefits in terms of keeping the brain active, but the benefits beyond this depend on what you read. If we are to improve ourselves, to become wiser, kinder and happier, then what we read matters more than how often we read.

There are self development books and their are spiritual books, which are also self development books. Books that reach deep into you and show you what not to be and how to be in order to be happy and fulfilled in life. The wiser the content of what you read the happier you feel the more you read it. We all need progress, to varying degrees, and reading good books is the best way I know how to do so. To read is to grow.

Check out my recommended books on the Resources page.

It Shouldn’t Be Like That

Happiness, Success

Often we feel that a situation should or shouldn’t be like our preconceived ideas, and if the situation does not match our ideas we get upset, frustrated or angry. We do this a lot, we should all over the place.

Problems arise in life when we try to make reality as we want it to be. We share the world with a lot of people, animals and insects. Each with their own views and behaviours. Trying to control what happens is like telling water not to flow, it will flow, as that is it’s nature.

If we let go of judgements and preferences then we are better able to accept what arises in life and see the positives and the opportunities that each situation creates. We also feel less upset, frustrated and angry. If we accept each moment with gratitude then we feel blessed to be alive

Looking The Wrong Way

Happiness, Health

Water is evaporated from the oceans of the world and the water vapour becomes clouds. The clouds rain on the hills. The rain become rivers and the river make their way to the ocean. This, as we learned in school, is the water cycle.

When we look at a cloud we rarely think of the ocean. We think of the rain that is about to fall on us that will either ruin our day or water our garden, depending on how you look at it. Likewise, we don’t often think about the causes of the things that happen in our lives. We focus on the effects of what happens.

A lot of what happens in life are a result of our habits, our diet, whether we exercise, the way we think about things and how we react to things. All based on our habits. We have patterns of behaviour that mean we have similar experiences again and again in life, due to our habits.

The point is that we are looking at the rain and we should be looking at the ocean.

Generously Unlock Your Passion

Achieving Goals, Happiness, Success

I read this post by Seth Godin and the last line struck me and I made it the title of this blog post. Normally we talk about passion when someone is interested in a hobby or supporting a football team or something. Passion is also talked about when people start their own business or start writing a blog like this.

The point of generously unlocking your passion is that when we are generous with the capabilities we have, we often find things that we really enjoy doing. We also get the benefit of feeling good, because we have been generous.

A blog can also be good example of this, because you are using words to try and benefit someone else, who you will never meet. I suppose starting a YouTube channel could also be done in a similar way.

Success is often increased by the number of people you help. The more people you help the more opportunities and potential income you will receive. However, if you do it to get something back, you will be less successful than if you were being whole heartedly generous. You reap what you sow, so to speak.

Monday Blues

Happiness, Success

We often feel a sense of dread on Sundays, fearing what Monday might bring and we wish the week away, so we can enjoy the weekend, when it arrives. This push and pull that we self impose can cause us a lot of unnecessary stress. Our attitude to the working week largely comes from whether we are fulfilled by our job or not, but we are influenced by the cultural mindset that Mondays are bad and Friday evening and the weekend are good. We often think Thank God It’s Friday.

This way of looking at our working week is self defeating and can easily be avoided. As Viktor E. Frankl said in his book Man’s Search for Meaning, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” We have control over our attitude and the things we tell ourselves about the work we do and how we spend our time. We can look on the bright side, as they say.

I suggest picking something positive about the work you do. Something related to helping people is good, because it brings a sense of fulfilment and purpose. It also helps to have compassion for the people we work with and work for. We all suffer to less and greater degrees and to reduce someone else’s suffering is a wonderful thing to do. This may be something you focus on as part of a spiritual path or a humane philosophy, either way it will make you happier to make other happier. Everyone wins, and you will begin to look forward to Mondays, because it will provide more opportunities to help others.

The Power Of Being Courteous

Happiness, Success

People usually respond to you in the manner in which you address them. Courtesy can diffuse arguments and can uplift someone who is having a bad day. It has been said that courtesy is the lubrication that makes a business successful. I would say that it is the lubrication that makes society function, along with a number of other things.

So, open doors for people, smile and say good morning. If you’re getting a coffee get one for your colleague, friend or partner. There are thousands of opportunities every day to be courteous and considerate.

There are also people in our work places that often go unnoticed; the cleaners, the security guards, etc. Often we say good morning, but rarely stay for a chat. It means a lot to people if you see them and treat them as a human being.

A two minute chat will not disrupt your day and it could improve someone else’s day, and your own. Have time for people and talk about their lives, their problems and their aspirations. Put you mobile phone away and talk to people and you will be happier as a result.

Our Environment Matters

Leadership, Success

It could be said that a person’s behaviour is inseparable from their environment. This is true in many ways. If we take the example of a work environment, behaviour that is permissible due to Managers letting it happen or colleagues wanting to fit in with our peers is a slippery slope. This is how things go wrong in companies, and in Government, the culture of the company is its downfall or its catalyst for progress.

Likewise, if we surround ourselves with people who support us and challenge is constructively, we will take chances and strive to thrive. If we are surrounded by people who are attached to their status quo, then progress becomes difficult.

If society becomes restrictive, as it is in many parts of the world, or it advocates for freedom, we behave in response. Where possible, we need to surround ourselves with people who we can rely on to help us reach our goals and treat us with compassion and encouragement.

Sometimes, Just Pay It

Happiness, Health

A few months ago I went to the dentist as a tooth was bothering me a little, but not too much. They found an infection in the root of the tooth and I was told that removing the tooth would be the best course of action. The cost was £65.

I decided to leave it as it was, because it wasn’t really bothering me. Towards the end of last year I suddenly had nausea and pain in my stomach. It lasted most of the day until I vomited around 9pm.

The pain in my stomach was so severe I ended up at Accident & Emergency (UK) at around 10pm. There was a 10 hour wait to be seen. By this time I had figured out it was the infection in my tooth that had leaked out and gone into my stomach.

I left the A&E and went home. I got the earliest appointment and paid the £65 to have my tooth removed. The point of the story, as with many situations in life, sometimes you should just pay the money and avoid what may happen further down the way.

This applies to fixing problems when they are small, not when the have been left to become bigger. The action does not have to be paying money, it is whatever fixes the problem, as soon as it arises.

Opportunities In Life

Happiness, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

I work as a complaint handler for a bank, which to many may be the last job they would ever wish to do, but I find great joy in doing it. The important question to ask ourselves is what opportunities are we looking for?

Opportunities to be rich, beautiful, happy or healthy. There are many things we seek for ourselves, but the most profound joy comes from seeking things for others.

With a complaint something has gone wrong, it may be the fault of the bank or the fault of someone else. The opportunity is to help reduce the customer’s suffering, to put right a wrong and rebuild the relationship between the customer and the bank.

I spoke to a customer recently who was so unwell and in pain that his Wife was talking on his behalf. His Wife was also suffering to see what her Husband was going through. During the call I managed to make the Wife and her Husband laugh and resolved the complaint successfully.

If you do your work with compassion and the intention to bring joy to other people’s lives, you will enjoy your work, and it will give your life purpose.

The Journey Is The Path

Happiness

I have been reading the book When Things Fall Apart by the Buddhist Nun Pema Chödrön and in it she talks about the path we walk only existing in the present. We cannot see the future, but we can see the past behind us, but only in our memory of it. She said “What we do accumulates; the future is the result of what we do right now.”

In other words the actions we take in the present influence what our future will be like. If we want a positive future our aspiration and exertion should reflect this in the present. We influence our next steps on our path with our mind, speech and actions in every moment.

The test comes when we find ourselves in a challenging situation. How we handle the situation also influences our future. If we lose it and react emotionally, then our immediate future will be different than if we calmly looked for a cause of the situation and looked for a solution to make it better.

It is not always easy to remain calm, but, with practise it is possible.

Causes and Conditions

The Pathway To Fulfilment

Everything in life is a result of causes and conditions, whether these be man made or simply the circumstances we find ourselves in. The thing to do is to try and understand the causes and conditions so we can improve our situation, whatever it is.

There are many different points of view on how to understand causes and conditions, religious, philosophical and scientific. In my view, when there is an agreement between these three areas of human understanding, the truth becomes available.

You may follow a particular way of thinking or a particular religion, and this should always be your first port of call, but it is important to be open to the ideas from other points of view. If we understand why we are in the situation we are in we can find a clearer way forward and we can live a better life.

Also, when people behave badly towards us, we can try to understand the causes and conditions that influenced the way they are behaving, which then opens up the possibility of treating them with compassion. Even if someone is angry, to be angry is to suffer. Meeting anger with compassion often turns their anger into the emotion behind the anger; sadness, frustration or confusion for example. This opens a door to help them and resolve the situation peacefully.

Taking Reality As It Is

Happiness, The Pathway To Fulfilment

When on a spiritual path or the path to self mastery we need to be careful to take reality as it is. We can see life as heaven or hell, depending on how we see our circumstances. Neither of which will necessarily be a true reflection of reality.

We often overlay our past experiences onto what is happening and make assumptions about what people mean or what impact something will have on us. There is much wisdom in the teachings of both religious and secular leaders.

One way of testing if an approach to life is a wise one is whether it makes you happier or not. Wisdom followed correctly should make you happier and your life better. If following a teaching or advice makes you more unhappy, I would argue that it is not wisdom. Wisdom is the root to a happier life.

What Can You Tolerate?

Happiness, Health, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

Having Fibromyalgia, as I do, my threshold for pain and patience have changed. Over time my skin has become extremely sensitive to cold, so much so that cold water feels like hot oil when it touches my skin. On the flip side, having chronic pain means that pain becomes an everyday experience, therefore it becomes kind of normal, so the amount pain that I can tolerate and carry on with my daily activities has increased. But when I am fatigued and in pain my level of patience can drop drastically.

This got me thinking about the experiences we have and the level of tolerance we have for different things. Experiences that cause anxiety will greatly reduce what we can tolerate, but experiences that cause self-confidence or contentment will increase what we can tolerate.

Being someone who regularly meditates will certainly help increase our tolerance levels. It is worth having a look at what your day to day experience is and where your tolerance is with different things. Then look at how you can improve these through self-reflection, meditation or something like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. This is on the path to self mastery.

Thoughts On Change

Happiness, Poems, Success

I wear prayer beads which are made from black volcanic rock. They remind me that even rock can become liquid, given the right circumstances. The lessons I take from these prayer beads are fourfold.

Firstly, change effects everything. You cannot step into the same river twice, because the water is different. Secondly, like the river and volcanic lava, circumstances dictate a lot of what happens, but flowing with change allows new opportunities. Thirdly, the essence of what makes the volcanic rock, has remained, from lava to rock to prayer beads. Fourthly, whether the rock is lava, rock or prayer beads, like all things, it still has purpose. Every atom has a purpose, every person has a purpose, every living being on this interconnected, living, breathing planet of ours has a purpose.

These thoughts remind me of a poem I wrote. Here it is:

The Power Of Water

Health

In the tale end of the twentieth century some scientific research began into the effect different words and prayers can have on water. The research was carried out by Japanese scientist Dr Masaru Emoto and his team. The process involved labelling small bottles of water with different words, exposing the water to different music and prayer before freezing the water and looking at the crystals that the water made using a microscope. According to the words on Dr Emoto’s website,

“In all of these experiments, distilled water for hospital usage produced by the same company was used. Since it is distilled twice, it can be said that it is pure water. The result was that we always observed beautiful crystals after giving good words, playing good music, and showing, playing, or offering pure prayer to water. On the other hand, we observed disfigured crystals in the opposite situation.”

They used words like Love and Gratitude, Wisdom, Thank You, Truth, Evil and You Disgust Me. Dr Emoto and his team have repeated these experiments many times, with mantras and prayers from different religions, as well as different types of music and there is a clear difference between say classical music and heavy metal music, between saying nasty words and saying prayers.

They also noticed that there was a difference in the quality of the water from natural places, like springs and rivers, and water that has been filtered and piped to domestic taps. Crystals that formed from naturally found water were more symmetrical and beautiful and those from domestic water were deformed.

So, perhaps there is some truth to the idea that water can take on properties that we apply to it, via words and prayers. Maybe water has memory. If this is so, then what might happen to the water in our bodies when we are angry or peaceful, would the feelings we have affect our bodies? We are around 80% water. It is true that when we are unwell being more positive seems to help us get better and being negative can make us feel worse. Also, would the way we treat others effect the water in their bodies?

Dr Emoto’s research and pictures of the water crystals are available on his website.