Category: Relationships

Building Resilient Strength

Achieving Goals, Happiness, Relationships, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

When I think of resilience and strength I think of a tree. There are five aspects of a tree that are worth reflecting on in relation to resilient strength.

1. Flexibility

A tree will bend in the wind, which means it does not break. The flexibility to move with problems in order to overcome them means the approach you take to solve each problem can match the problem at hand. When you have a hammer every problem looks like a nail. When you have a tool box you can pick the tool that matches each problem.

2. Endurance

A tree pulls in its chlorophyll during the Autumn and Winter months to preserve its resources and giving it the ability to endure the cold and the Winter weather. A tree is securely rooted into the ground where its roots are intertwined with those of the surrounding trees. Part of its ability to endure is its connection to its community. We can more easily endure the hard times when we do so together.

3. Recycle The Negative

Every Autumn a tree loses its leaves, triggered by the drop in temperature and the incoming Winter months. The leaves land on the ground around the tree and rot into the soil, nourishing it and nourishing the tree. We can learn from every negative thing that happens to us. We can use it to build resilience and strength of character. We can only rise after a fall.

4. Having A Purpose

A tree produces fruit or nuts or seeds for the surrounding wildlife. It provides shelter from the hard weather and a home for insects and birds. It also produces the very air we breath. It’s very existence serves life, so does yours. The choice you have before you is; what specific purpose do you care about? The choice is yours.

5. Thrive

Every tree strives to be the best tree it can be. It is not self conscious or worried about what might happen, it simply aims to thrive. It takes what it needs from the ground, the air and the sun and becomes it’s best self. To be the best version of yourself that you can be should be the intention you bring to every day. Otherwise why are you here?

Making A Better Tomorrow

Achieving Goals, Happiness, Relationships, Success

Life is a series of moments. Some are good and some are bad. This is pretty obvious. However, we often don’t think in this way about the time we spend and the experiences we have. Sometimes we think a bad situation is permanent and will always be like that. Sometimes we think a good situation will not last.

It is true that all thing shall pass. That is to say that everything is temporary and part of a process. When a bad thing happens we can’t wish it away or try to change what happened. What we do have power over, however, is what we choose to do about the situation we are in.

If we see where we are and what is happening as a process we can plan and set goals and work towards a better situation. If you don’t like you job or your relationship or your home life change it. Either work on making it better or make a change. A new job might be better than staying where you are. An honest conversation with your manager might improve your working environment. There are always things you can do to make this moment a step towards and better tomorrow.

Working Better Together

Happiness, Relationships, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

When we look at the world, our experiences and our relationships with a strong sense of Self, then we set up an us and a them automatically. When we hold our sense of Self up with pride at what we have done or what we know or who we know or whatever, we create further division.

If we can reduce our sense of Self, even to a level where we see ourselves as equal to others, we can live a more harmonious life. The eastern idea of there being no Self can be hard to agree with or even understand, but it is clear that a strong sense of Self causes problems.

Trying to think in terms of everyone being like brothers and sisters, much like many native peoples do, then we can cooperate more and develop wonderful, supportive relationships, and make the world a better place to be. The aim is to move from division to unity by getting ourselves out of the way.

Give It A Try

Leadership, Relationships, Success

Sometimes we have people around us who act as support structures, people we go to for advice. If we are lucky we have these people amongst our family and friends. We often have them in our work environments as well. For one reason or another these people can become absent in our day to day lives, either temporarily or they just drift out of our lives.

This can create a hole that leaves us feeling anxious and in need of reassurance. This feeling can be taken as a sign to worry or it can be taken as a sign to step up and be more decisive, to taken on more responsibilities and to believe in ourselves more.

You will likely be able to do more than you believe you can. Those who support you can see what you are capable of. When they are not there it becomes time for you to see what you are capable of. It is time to step into the arena of life and give it a go, whatever it is that you are scared to do. Do it, and those around you will support you, if you let them.

Learn To Listen

Happiness, Relationships

If we listen to the language people use and the topics of conversation they drift towards you can get a sense of their priorities and values. You can figure out what they care about.

This is not a strategy to get the better of them or try to sell them something. It is a strategy, however, that can help you build better relationships. When we understand each other better we can serve each other better.

Peace In A Divided World

Happiness, Leadership, Relationships, The Pathway To Fulfilment

I would like to say a few words about the situation in Ukraine. There are many who are suffering, both Ukrainian civilians and Russian civilians, both Ukrainian soldiers and Russian soldiers. War makes victims of us all.

There will be Russian soldiers who do not agree with the actions of their country, but have little choice but to follow orders. There are officials in Ukraine that have the choice to treat all civilians equally, but are separating white and black refugees and prioritising those with white skin and allowing them to leave Ukraine first. War brings out the best and the worst in us all and, in my view, we should not say that Ukraine is without fault or that Russia is without salvation. Things are rarely so simple.

However, Ukraine clearly needs the world’s support in this awful situation, and we should give and do what we can. And we must also remember that there are many other war torn places in the world, and many places where there is violence; between groups of people and between individuals. For some, home is not a safe place. There is much healing needed in the world.

What can we do to make positive change in situations like the one in Ukraine? There a lots of small things we can do like donate to organisations helping support the Ukrainian people. More broadly however, you can bring peace to the world by working on your own prejudices and judgments and to work on creating more peaceful relationships in your live. We can forgive, we can rebuild, and, when needed, we can walk away. We co-create the relationships we have, which co-creates the society we live in, and the culture we have, and the country we have and so on. How we live our lives each day contributes to peace in the world or division in the world. Please choose peace.

Building A Community

Happiness, Leadership, Relationships, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

When a tree grows there are usually other plants and herbs that grow around it and the type of tree will often dictate what grows around it. So much do that when native people who were looking for a particular medicinal herb they would look for a particular type of tree.

The relationship between a tree and the plants and herbs that grow around it is often decades in the making. When we reflect on the many communities to which we belong we can see the time and symbiosis that is required for communities to thrive. Depending on the community we may be the tree or we may be the herb, neither has more or less values that the other, they simply serve a different function in that community.

Making A Better World

Happiness, Relationships, The Pathway To Fulfilment

What we do and what we say shapes the world we live in. Through our interactions we co-create our relationships, which in turn creates our society, which in turn creates our nations and our cultures. How we choose to live our lives will influence everything else, even if just a little.

What we need is a harmony revolution, because the only sensible way to counteract division in our own lives is to bring people together in harmony. By harmony I mean, to use a metaphor, the bringing together of very different instruments into an orchestra to create beautiful music. When we come together as human beings and we share what makes us unique, then we can collaborate, cooperate, and co-create. We can make the world a better place to be.

There Is Nobody Like You

Achieving Goals, Happiness, Leadership, Relationships, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

Others may do the same job as you, live in the same area as you or have the same life experience as you, to a degree, but they are not you. You are a unique happening. You are also an essential part of this thing called life. The world needs your unique perspective and contribution to make the world a better place.

If you think you are ordinary or even less than some level of importance then you are underestimating yourself. You can thrive given the right environment and right self belief. Sometimes we need to find the right environment first. This could be a place of work or a group of friends. It is easier to believe in ourselves if others believe in us first.

Seeing Others Clearly

Happiness, Relationships, The Pathway To Fulfilment

When we go to the shop and we go to the till we often think of the person behind the till as just a Shop Assistant and our label of them stops there. When we see an irritating person we often think of them only in this way. The labels we use for people can often become all that we see of them.

When we stop at the label we put onto the person we are depriving them of their full humanity in our eyes and we do the same to ourselves. If you were to see a Shop Assistant as a full human being with a life outside of work, a family, hobbies and a social life then you end up treating them differently.

Of course we know that each person has these things, but we can become lazy in our labelling of the people we interact with. Labels can become prejudices that mean we see someone as a ‘type’ of person, and we put people into boxes, as if the complexity of a human life can be simplified so neatly.

When we acknowledge a person’s full humanity we remove boundaries and conflicts between us and them. We see ourselves in them and we naturally feel compassion and empathy for them. This is a powerful practice that will bring blessings into your life.

Lean In With Empathy

Happiness, Relationships, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

There are things in life we feel we are not equipped to deal with or to do, so we pull back and avoid these things. This often appears in our relationships. We pull back or we avoid topics of conversation or ways of being that scare us.

In my job I deal with complaints, so the person I talk to is usually upset, angry or both. I learned recently that I find it difficult to deal with people when they behave a certain way, so I don’t and I come across as cold and detail driven.

However, if i was to lean in with empathy, the conversation would be more productive and the other person would feel heard and respected. If you lean in with empathy in your lives the human connections you have will be much more rewarding.

Making Positive Change

Happiness, Relationships, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

What we do and what we say shapes the world we live in. Through our interactions we co-create our relationships, which in turn creates our society, which in turn creates our nations and our cultures. How we choose to live our lives will influence everything else, even if just a little.

What we need is a harmony revolution, because the only sensible way to counteract division in our own lives is to bring people together in harmony. By harmony I mean, to use a metaphor, the bringing together of very different instruments into an orchestra to create beautiful music. When we come together as human beings and we share what makes us unique, then we can collaborate, cooperate, and co-create. We can make the world a better place to be.

Attachment To Ourselves

Happiness, Relationships, The Pathway To Fulfilment

In many religious traditions there is a focus on non-attachment to the Self. Sometimes we can have different selves that we are attached to, because the way we see ourselves depends on the context we are in at any given time. We might behave differently at work than we do at home for example. This occurs because we are living our lives through our perceived expectations of others. In other words we are living in ways that fit with how we want others to see us.

When we live this way, we are not being true to who we are in at least one of these places. Part of the work of living a fulfilling life is to figure out our beliefs, values and ethics and to live by them everywhere we are. A part of living a spiritual path is to move away from focusing on a separate Self and to recognise the oneness within which we live. These two journies are very much connected.

Break The Bias

Achieving Goals, Happiness, Leadership, Relationships, Success

Today is International Women’s Day, which celebrates the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women. This is something that is needed to balance how women are seen in society. Many companies and organisations are equal, with women holding positions of CEO downwards, but not every company culture supports equality. This can also be said of society as a whole.

To me, equality is a sign of respect from one human being to another. We all have different skills and experience which allows us to thrive in some roles in both the workplace and outside of it, but not in others. Opportunities should be given without any assumptions being made about whether they will suit either a man or a women, and should be offered based on merit.

This brings us to the slogan of International Women’s Day, which is #breakthebias. In order for their to be true equality then the bias towards men being more capable needs to end. In order to love a fulfilling life we need to feel as if we are progressing, which means we need access to opportunities to progress. One thing you can do I to try and see past the stereotypes and judgements and see the other person as human first, the same as you. There is no bias if we are all seen as human beings.

Building A Better World

Achieving Goals, Happiness, Relationships, Success

Today is Dr Suess Day and one of my favourite quotes from Dr Seuss books is “Don’t give up. I believe in you all. A person’s a person. No matter how small.” ― Dr. Seuss, “Horton Hears a Who!” I love all of his books, but this is one of my favourites.

We all have our highs and lows in life, our advantages and disadvantages. We are all fighting battles that others can’t see, some big and some small. The message that this quote gives me is firstly, believing in ourselves is necessary for progress to happen, it is is also necessary for others to believe in us too. You could be the person that causes someone to believe in themselves, to become their best self. There is power in believing in others.

Secondly, everyone has equal validity and worth. Therefore, kindness and respect should be a given with all interactions. If someone acts in a way that belittles or hurts others they should be held to account for their actions, but we should still respect their humanity. Never fall for thinking of others as less than human. This opens the door to inhuman treatment of fellow human beings.

Believe in others and they will believe in themselves. Treat all with kindness and respect. This is how we build a better world.

Possibility Blindness

Achieving Goals, Happiness, Relationships, Success

We are largely defined by the environment we live in. The opportunities we have in most western countries are very different to those in third world countries. Our opportunities, or lack of them, will have a direct impact on how we see life.

We are also shaped by the people we spend our time with. Our parents have a significant effect on how we see ourselves and what we are capable of. We learn from a young age views of how easy or difficult it is to make money, how easy or difficult relationships are, and what our self worth is to us, etc.

When we let the views and beliefs of others become ours, we become blind to the possibilities available to us. To see an opportunity we must first think that it is possible. If you are living your life small, then it is likely that you have some limiting beliefs acquired from others. If that is the case, it is time to rewrite your beliefs and become an opportunity seeker. To believe in the possibilities life has to offer. Don’t let the views and beliefs of others give you possibility blindness. Open you eyes and begin to believe that you can, it is possible, but first you must believe that it is.

Feeling At Home

Happiness, Relationships

I have a few places where I feel like I belong. One of them is being at home with my wife and daughters. This is my home base, to use a baseball euphemism. To extend this euphemism further, I feel that when it comes to my religious beliefs my Unitarian chapel is my religious base. I feel at home in any Unitarian church or chapel.

When it comes to feeling connected to the natural world, being near trees and grass, flowers and all of the animals, birds and insects that share the Earth with us, feels like being in my natural world base.

You will have places and situations which are your bases, places where you feel a connection to something outside of yourself, and this is a very good thing. These bases are spaces in which we should spend time just being, and exploring all that it means to be a human being, and more than that, being the individual human being that we each are.

Blaming Others

Happiness, Relationships

We blame others a lot for the negative things that happen to us, but we hardly blame others for the positive things that happen to us. Blame works both ways.

We have evolved to focus on the negative, because in a life or death situation we survive if we see the danger. This has an adverse effect now we have less danger in our lives. We are also fed negativity in the news, and the media generally, because it is what we pay attention to and it increases their number of views.

If we let ourselves only focus on the bad things that people do in our lives we tip out of balance and it wears away at us over the years. There needs to be balance. Blame people for the good they do more than the bad. Rebalance the way you see people and you will feel more blessed and less depressed.

Stronger Together

Happiness, Relationships, The Pathway To Fulfilment

When you get knocked down in life you have two choices. Stay down and give up or find a way to rise again. Sometimes we can rise alone, if we have the internal resources to do so, but usually we need the help of others through the relationships we have and new ones we form or the wisdom in books and online content.

It takes courage to stand after you fall, but often we should not try to stand alone, we should seek support. We are always stronger together. It is often seen as a weakness to ask for help, but it is the most courageous act we can do when we have been knocked down by life. We can stand alone again in the future, but take the support when it is available.