Live The Fulfilled Life
If we listen to the language people use and the topics of conversation they drift towards you can get a sense of their priorities and values. You can figure out what they care about.
This is not a strategy to get the better of them or try to sell them something. It is a strategy, however, that can help you build better relationships. When we understand each other better we can serve each other better.
Often we hold a version of ourselves in our heads made up of expectations. Usually expectations of others that we have made our own. This is not who we are, it is a made up version of us. When we set these expectations we will likely fall short of them, because they are not aligned with who we are.
This creates frustration and, in some cases, depression. We need to let this version of us go and replace it by figuring out our values, our beliefs and our ethics. These three things will be essential to living a life as your authentic self. This is what is meant by being yourself. It is a lot of work, but a life well lived is worth it.
Often we are just as scared that something we do will work as we are that it might fail. If it works we may need to do more of it and try more new things. It is scary to write your own script and not follow the rules set by those that have come before us.
Real value, however, is created when we go off script and do the right thing. Not because the rules said to do it, but because it made a difference. Do you want your gravestone to read he/she followed the rules or do you want it to say he/she made a difference?
If you aim to create value and make a difference, the method you end up using will come to you. You will find a way. It may be the route less travelled, but you will make a difference.
I would like to say a few words about the situation in Ukraine. There are many who are suffering, both Ukrainian civilians and Russian civilians, both Ukrainian soldiers and Russian soldiers. War makes victims of us all.
There will be Russian soldiers who do not agree with the actions of their country, but have little choice but to follow orders. There are officials in Ukraine that have the choice to treat all civilians equally, but are separating white and black refugees and prioritising those with white skin and allowing them to leave Ukraine first. War brings out the best and the worst in us all and, in my view, we should not say that Ukraine is without fault or that Russia is without salvation. Things are rarely so simple.
However, Ukraine clearly needs the world’s support in this awful situation, and we should give and do what we can. And we must also remember that there are many other war torn places in the world, and many places where there is violence; between groups of people and between individuals. For some, home is not a safe place. There is much healing needed in the world.
What can we do to make positive change in situations like the one in Ukraine? There a lots of small things we can do like donate to organisations helping support the Ukrainian people. More broadly however, you can bring peace to the world by working on your own prejudices and judgments and to work on creating more peaceful relationships in your live. We can forgive, we can rebuild, and, when needed, we can walk away. We co-create the relationships we have, which co-creates the society we live in, and the culture we have, and the country we have and so on. How we live our lives each day contributes to peace in the world or division in the world. Please choose peace.
We treat anger, depression and other negative states of being as things to remove or reject, but sometimes they are valid feelings and sometimes we are in the middle of experiencing such feelings and it can be hard to know what to do.
Try treating these feelings with compassion. Think of them in the same way that you would a small child. You wouldn’t reject a child for being upset or angry, you would cuddle and care for the child and help them move through the negative feelings into happier ones.
There is always a reason we feel angry or depressed. If we approach these feelings with compassion we can discover the root cause and heal it.
We all suffer, to some degree or another. For most it is to feel hungry or thirsty a few times a day, but we have the means to access food and drink. For some it is not having the ideal life that we want, but we have a lot of things that we do like. For some it is physical suffering like chronic pain. For some it is the mental anguish of anxiety or depression. We all fit on this spectrum at different places at various times in our lives.
When we are in the harsher end of the spectrum there is a trap that we often fall into where we think of ourselves as a victim and we ask ‘why me?’ This way of thinking makes us feel helpless. Having been there, I can tell you thinking that you are a victim makes what you are going through more intense and it lasts longer. There is a better option. We can think of the suffering in life as the curriculum we are given in order to live a fulfilling life.
I have Fibromyalgia and I am in pain every day and I often feel exhausted. I went through feeling like a victim and it did not help. I have realised that if I am to live a happier life I need to make changes to my thoughts and to my daily habits. I need to change my diet and to practice Chi Kung (Qigong) and to meditate every day, because this will reduce the pain in my body, increase my energy levels and put me in touch with the enormity of that which is outside of me.
When we suffer we can either think of ourselves as victims or we can take ownership of our journey through life. Taking ownership transforms your suffering into a curriculum and provides wise lessons, but you have to put the work in.
Quite often people say that this should not happen or this should happen. People ‘should’ all over themselves, which is to say that they project their ‘shoulds’ out into the world. The problem with this way of thinking is that it creates a kind of helplessness, because if it should be a certain way, but it isn’t, we often then have nothing that we can do about it.
It is better to see things as they are, not as you think they should be. Then decide what action you wish to take. It might be that there is a need for something to be improved and you are the person to do it. This means that you are focusing on what you can do.
When a tree grows there are usually other plants and herbs that grow around it and the type of tree will often dictate what grows around it. So much do that when native people who were looking for a particular medicinal herb they would look for a particular type of tree.
The relationship between a tree and the plants and herbs that grow around it is often decades in the making. When we reflect on the many communities to which we belong we can see the time and symbiosis that is required for communities to thrive. Depending on the community we may be the tree or we may be the herb, neither has more or less values that the other, they simply serve a different function in that community.
What we do and what we say shapes the world we live in. Through our interactions we co-create our relationships, which in turn creates our society, which in turn creates our nations and our cultures. How we choose to live our lives will influence everything else, even if just a little.
What we need is a harmony revolution, because the only sensible way to counteract division in our own lives is to bring people together in harmony. By harmony I mean, to use a metaphor, the bringing together of very different instruments into an orchestra to create beautiful music. When we come together as human beings and we share what makes us unique, then we can collaborate, cooperate, and co-create. We can make the world a better place to be.
When we eat an orange, or any kind of fruit, we want it to have ripened, but not to much. There is a window in time where the fruit is just right. If we wait a day or two it would not taste as good, or if we hurry ourselves and eat it a day or two sooner it will not taste as good.
We think about a great many things in these terms, whether they are ripe or not. The universal stuff that composes an orange, or anything else, does not change it’s own nature. It just organises itself into an orange and then into something else. Once we eat the orange, the parts of it that are useful to our bodies become our bodies and the rest is ejected and becomes something else.
We spend so much time focusing on the ripeness of things and we miss the truth that we are all composed of the same universal stuff, reorganised again and again. We are a happening. We are not just our conceptions based our skin colour, nationality, gender, religion or any other category. No one is better or more ‘ripe’ that anyone else. We just are.
Others may do the same job as you, live in the same area as you or have the same life experience as you, to a degree, but they are not you. You are a unique happening. You are also an essential part of this thing called life. The world needs your unique perspective and contribution to make the world a better place.
If you think you are ordinary or even less than some level of importance then you are underestimating yourself. You can thrive given the right environment and right self belief. Sometimes we need to find the right environment first. This could be a place of work or a group of friends. It is easier to believe in ourselves if others believe in us first.
I heard an interesting turn of phrase recently. Someone I was listening to online said ‘When we think of Mother Nature we could think that we have a responsibility to mother nature.’ This got me thinking about our role in the interconnected web of life and our responsibilities as co-creators of life on Earth.
We are both parent and child, so to speak. Our individual existence is both of these things and there is some responsibility in both them. This got me thinking about the ownership we choose or don’t choose to take in our lives; whether we choose to make things better or not.
Whether we like it or not, we are stewards of this world, we are taking care of the world that belongs to our grandchildren, as the saying goes. When life is seen through this point of view, we become solution focused, we become problem solvers.
When we go to the shop and we go to the till we often think of the person behind the till as just a Shop Assistant and our label of them stops there. When we see an irritating person we often think of them only in this way. The labels we use for people can often become all that we see of them.
When we stop at the label we put onto the person we are depriving them of their full humanity in our eyes and we do the same to ourselves. If you were to see a Shop Assistant as a full human being with a life outside of work, a family, hobbies and a social life then you end up treating them differently.
Of course we know that each person has these things, but we can become lazy in our labelling of the people we interact with. Labels can become prejudices that mean we see someone as a ‘type’ of person, and we put people into boxes, as if the complexity of a human life can be simplified so neatly.
When we acknowledge a person’s full humanity we remove boundaries and conflicts between us and them. We see ourselves in them and we naturally feel compassion and empathy for them. This is a powerful practice that will bring blessings into your life.
No one will give you the perfect answer as to what you should do in any situation, because they are judging it based on what they would do, and they are not you. We need to make a choice and go try it, whatever it is. If it doesn’t work and we fall on our faces, we have learned something.
The trick is to know that you will always pick yourself up and try again. A bird does not avoid landing on a tree branch because it is worried that the branch may break, if they did they would never land on a tree branch. A bird’s faith is not in the branch not breaking, it’s faith is in the ability of it’s own wings.
There are things in life we feel we are not equipped to deal with or to do, so we pull back and avoid these things. This often appears in our relationships. We pull back or we avoid topics of conversation or ways of being that scare us.
In my job I deal with complaints, so the person I talk to is usually upset, angry or both. I learned recently that I find it difficult to deal with people when they behave a certain way, so I don’t and I come across as cold and detail driven.
However, if i was to lean in with empathy, the conversation would be more productive and the other person would feel heard and respected. If you lean in with empathy in your lives the human connections you have will be much more rewarding.
What we do and what we say shapes the world we live in. Through our interactions we co-create our relationships, which in turn creates our society, which in turn creates our nations and our cultures. How we choose to live our lives will influence everything else, even if just a little.
What we need is a harmony revolution, because the only sensible way to counteract division in our own lives is to bring people together in harmony. By harmony I mean, to use a metaphor, the bringing together of very different instruments into an orchestra to create beautiful music. When we come together as human beings and we share what makes us unique, then we can collaborate, cooperate, and co-create. We can make the world a better place to be.
No one likes to suffer, this is universal when it comes to the human condition. Suffering is a part of reality, in the sense that to be alive means, at some level, we suffer. We get hungry, we get cold, we don’t get what we want and we get what we don’t want. It could be either physical or emotional pain, or some might say psychological pain. Sometimes the situation we are in create unavoidable suffering. For these situations I hope you get the support you need.
However, generally speaking, how we interpret suffering will have an impact on our level of happiness. If it makes us feel helpless then we can fall into depression, if we are not careful. Though suffering can be a route to walk a spiritual path. Suffering can be a pathway to God or enlightenment, but we must be careful here. To use suffering to get closure to God or enlightenment does not work, you simply end up worshiping suffering.
Suffering can, however, be used as a tool to understand the human condition and how to live well. For example, certain situations would cause great suffering for us, but very little for others. This tells us that suffering is relative. It is relative because the amount to which it hurts us is linked to the amount we are attached to either our sense of Self, or Ego, or to things and experiences. When these are threatened or damaged the level of our suffering is often linked to our level of attachment. In this way we could ask how suffering can be a guide on the pathway to a life well lived.
Our thoughts are largely made up from the information we have gathered from outside of ourselves through our five senses. Our understanding of who we are and how we should be comes from outside ourselves.
Our bodies are made up of the food and drink that we have too. If we eat an apple a couple of hours later our bodies has broken the apple down into it’s useful parts, which become our bodies and will be in the process of getting rid of the rest of it.
We are almost entirely made from that which we have gathered. However, what we do with what we gather is where we take ownership of our lives.
In many religious traditions there is a focus on non-attachment to the Self. Sometimes we can have different selves that we are attached to, because the way we see ourselves depends on the context we are in at any given time. We might behave differently at work than we do at home for example. This occurs because we are living our lives through our perceived expectations of others. In other words we are living in ways that fit with how we want others to see us.
When we live this way, we are not being true to who we are in at least one of these places. Part of the work of living a fulfilling life is to figure out our beliefs, values and ethics and to live by them everywhere we are. A part of living a spiritual path is to move away from focusing on a separate Self and to recognise the oneness within which we live. These two journies are very much connected.
Today is International Women’s Day, which celebrates the social, economic, cultural, and political achievements of women. This is something that is needed to balance how women are seen in society. Many companies and organisations are equal, with women holding positions of CEO downwards, but not every company culture supports equality. This can also be said of society as a whole.
To me, equality is a sign of respect from one human being to another. We all have different skills and experience which allows us to thrive in some roles in both the workplace and outside of it, but not in others. Opportunities should be given without any assumptions being made about whether they will suit either a man or a women, and should be offered based on merit.
This brings us to the slogan of International Women’s Day, which is #breakthebias. In order for their to be true equality then the bias towards men being more capable needs to end. In order to love a fulfilling life we need to feel as if we are progressing, which means we need access to opportunities to progress. One thing you can do I to try and see past the stereotypes and judgements and see the other person as human first, the same as you. There is no bias if we are all seen as human beings.
There is an impulse in us to avoid negative thoughts and feelings at all costs. Some, however, dwell within the negativity and let it take them over. Neither approach, I feel, will be effective in the long run, if you want to be happy. It is better to engage our negative thoughts and feelings and invite them in for tea, so to speak.
Once they become familiar to us as aspects of ourselves then we can understand why they are there and resolve the underlying causes. This is the work of living a happy and fulfilling life. I recommend utilising both meditation and writing a daily journal.
In life there are ways and processes that we find helpful and that make life easier, and when they are taken away we feel angry and frustrated. We ask why and complain about how it is not like it used to be. However, what is hidden in these turns of event is that there are other ways of doing these things and other processes. Often they are more helpful and make life more meaningful.
We get stuck in ways of doing things that feel comfortable or familiar or ways that have been drummed into us as the ‘right’ way to do something. We rarely question these ways of doing things, as we go about our routine filled lives.
At work this past week I found it difficult to help a customer as a process I had become used to changed. I spent some time moaning to colleagues, who join in with my indignation, before asking my Manager what I could do. My Manager gave me an alternative that I had never thought of before, which was a better option all round and allowed me to help the customer. When one door closes look for an alternative door, it may be a better one.
Often we get faced with problems at work and in our private lives that we struggle to solve. We may well try to figure it out ourselves and fumble through, which sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t. Sometimes we will leave the problem untouched until it becomes a bigger problem that we cannot ignore.
The answer is to ask for help. A simple thing to say, but a difficult thing to do. However, there are people with different knowledge and experience that may well know how to solve your problem with minimal fuss. The hard part is asking.
We feel embarrassed, as if we should be the knower of all things, solver of all problems. Nobody is, we all guess and try things out and get it wrong, but this is how we learn. No one came out of the womb walking and talking, things take practice. We need help to do what we have never done before.
My advice is to surround yourself with people who will help you without judgement and also to avoid judging yourself, and stop assuming others are judging you, because most people are so caught up in their own lives that your problem is not even on their radar. To learn and grow we need to ask for help.
Often opportunities come up in life that seem good for progression at work or in life but we hesitate. There are two questions that you should ask before you take any new opportunity.
First, ask yourself whether the new opportunity aligns with who you are. Meaning, does it connect with your values and beliefs, and who you want to be in life?
Second, do you have the resources to take on this new opportunity? By resources I mean time and energy. You need to balance your life, so no one area unbalances things. If you need chill time then don’t sacrifice it for any new opportunity. If you need time to recharge then don’t drain yourself by not giving yourself this time.
Many good opportunities seem beneficial, but you should figure out if they are worth it for you.
When a person is depressed we give them antidepressants, which changes their bodies chemistry into a happier state. Our body chemistry is changing all of the time from situation to situation. If we are sleeping it will be one way, if we are exercising it will be another, if we are having an argument it will be another.
What we are physically doing has an impact on our body chemistry, but our thoughts more so. A happy thought and a sad thought create very different states in the body. If we change our thoughts we change our body’s chemistry and we can elevate ourselves to a state of joy or excitement, all with our thinking.
Our thinking patterns have been hard wired into our brains by our beliefs about a variety of things. If we can identify the limiting beliefs and then prove to ourselves that they are untrue, we fundamentally shift ourselves towards a more powerful state of being.
Improve your beliefs, improve your thoughts, improve your life.
Today is Dr Suess Day and one of my favourite quotes from Dr Seuss books is “Don’t give up. I believe in you all. A person’s a person. No matter how small.” ― Dr. Seuss, “Horton Hears a Who!” I love all of his books, but this is one of my favourites.
We all have our highs and lows in life, our advantages and disadvantages. We are all fighting battles that others can’t see, some big and some small. The message that this quote gives me is firstly, believing in ourselves is necessary for progress to happen, it is is also necessary for others to believe in us too. You could be the person that causes someone to believe in themselves, to become their best self. There is power in believing in others.
Secondly, everyone has equal validity and worth. Therefore, kindness and respect should be a given with all interactions. If someone acts in a way that belittles or hurts others they should be held to account for their actions, but we should still respect their humanity. Never fall for thinking of others as less than human. This opens the door to inhuman treatment of fellow human beings.
Believe in others and they will believe in themselves. Treat all with kindness and respect. This is how we build a better world.
We are largely defined by the environment we live in. The opportunities we have in most western countries are very different to those in third world countries. Our opportunities, or lack of them, will have a direct impact on how we see life.
We are also shaped by the people we spend our time with. Our parents have a significant effect on how we see ourselves and what we are capable of. We learn from a young age views of how easy or difficult it is to make money, how easy or difficult relationships are, and what our self worth is to us, etc.
When we let the views and beliefs of others become ours, we become blind to the possibilities available to us. To see an opportunity we must first think that it is possible. If you are living your life small, then it is likely that you have some limiting beliefs acquired from others. If that is the case, it is time to rewrite your beliefs and become an opportunity seeker. To believe in the possibilities life has to offer. Don’t let the views and beliefs of others give you possibility blindness. Open you eyes and begin to believe that you can, it is possible, but first you must believe that it is.
We often think of a good life as a full life, where we focus on the content of our lives. We cherish wealth and possessions and how other people see us. We cherish successes and we avoid failures. This is a busy life not a life well lived.
An apple tree does not have such objectives, its only objective is to thrive. It exists only to be an apple tree, but its branches provide homes for birds and its shade protection from the sun for all that rest under it. Its apples feed people and animals. Its presence in the world benefits those around it.
The context within which the apple tree lives is more important than the content of its achievements. It is connected to all life around it. If we are to thrive we need to focus on the context of our lives not the content of it. We need to try and thrive, as all life does.
Beliefs are conclusions that we assume to be the truth. We often say that beliefs come from faith, but a belief unquestioned becomes a closed door. When we say we belong to a particular religion we are often identifying with a belief system which has institutionalised beliefs into a specific way of seeing the world.
Though the guidance from religions can be beneficial, if they go unexplored and unquestioned this is not a spiritual journey, it is a spiritual roundabout. Beliefs are important, particularly religious ones, because they deal with the nature of reality. However, I feel these beliefs should not go unquestioned. If beliefs are seen as a working model of how the world works, we can then repeatedly test it to see if it produces joy, happiness and fulfilment. These are the measure of a life well lived.
As human beings we often think that knowledge is one of the most important factors in life. Much is thought of degrees, the school we went to and being a knowledgeable person. However, every piece of knowledge is a conclusion that we decide is fixed.
This creates a mentality of I am right and others are wrong. It also limits our human potential, because each conclusion becomes a dead end. This leads to stagnation in life. If we were to think of pieces of knowledge as an impermanent understanding then we are always open to learning new things and to the knowledge of others, which might prove us wrong.
In order to reach other full potential we must be open to new experiences and new knowledge. Growth leads to fulfilment.
The Fullfilment Project 