Awareness – The Fullfilment Project

Finding Contentment

Happiness, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

“Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough”
― Oprah Winfrey

When thinking about contentment and what to talk about in this blog post I thought about what makes me content. I thought about my wife and daughters, the books that I read, how I feel when I am painting pictures, and then I started thinking about things that make me laugh, things that make me smile. Contentment, as a subject, is a big subject to tackle in something as short as a blog post, but I thought that it was also an important subject to talk about too, especially after the stresses and changes, the grief and the trauma that we have had to deal with over the past 18 months.

So, what then can be the solution to the age-old problem of how to be content? If we are all different people then how can there be one answer to this problem? Many different people have tried to come up with an answer, each with a different perspective on the issue, often driven by their theological or philosophical beliefs. Some we know to be powerful spiritual figures such as the Buddha and Jesus, others were, and are, just philosophers trying to answer the question of how to be content. The rest of us, generally, just try to make the best of things. With all of the difficulties we each face in our lives it is hard to find the time to philosophise about the ways and means of finding contentment. For the majority of us we spend our days working hard to have money to pay the bills and the rent, or mortgage, hoping to have a little left over at the end of the month to treat ourselves, and the ones we love.

Yet, somewhere in the busyness that is our lives we do find some time to set aside to enjoy ourselves, whether it be spending time with the kids, going for a drink with friends, a walk in the woods or just staying in to watch something on the TV, we all do somehow manage to find time to enjoy ourselves a little. This time spent relaxing and enjoying ourselves is greatly necessary for us to go on functioning in the jobs that we do and the responsibilities that we have, we need to laugh and play and get back to the things which make us who we individually are. But is this contentment or is it just making the best of things?

I would say that we can find moments of contentment in these periods of relaxation and enjoyment. We have all, I think, or at least I hope, had moments when we’ve paused and thought ‘my life is good right now, the good things outweigh the bad things and I am happy.’ An attitude of enjoying the small thing in life can be a useful attitude to have, as it helps us deal with the big problems we all face. The old saying ‘The best things in life are free’ is in a similar vein, and is good advice, often given by parents, or grandparents, to children who want things that are expensive and well advertised on the TV.

That being said, contentment can seem a complicated or difficult state of mind to achieve. But perhaps it isn’t contentment that is complicated but ourselves. Perhaps it is our own complications that can make it so difficult for us to achieve contentment, consistently. We have many thoughts running through our minds each day, as well as many emotions, either flaring up, such as anger, or lingering, such as sadness. There is a constant flow of both thoughts and emotions, almost like a river, which swells and runs dry over and over. With such turbulent minds it is no wonder that we find it difficult to settle and be content.

People also deal with things differently. In any situation there are those who are totally emotionally involved, and as a result their emotions jump up and down with the ups and downs of life. Others do not engage their emotions very much at all, and so are quite detached from any ups and downs that life throws at them. We all know people that fit either of these types of behaviour, and we know people who are both negative about life and those who are positive. I can be beneficial to think about how positive or negative we are to life’s us and downs.

How we feel about our lives is often caused by our reactions to the events within it. Our reactions to the events of life are the responses that our brains throw up almost without us thinking about it, they are habits that we have formed over our whole lifetime. For example, if we disagree with something do we get angry very quickly and say the first thing that comes to mind, while we are angry, or do we take time to create a considered argument to explain how and why we disagree. If something bad happens to us do we react emotionally, getting angry or upset about our favourite cup getting broken or missing the bus to work, or do we think that the cup was only a thing and can be replaced and even though we missed our bus there will be another one along soon?

Things are only good or bad depending on how we see them. Roger Walsh M.D., Ph.D. put it well when he wrote “We do not see things only as they are, but also as we are.” If you think about that for a moment it is actually quite profound. This is only a quotation, but if you think about it in a wider context you could say that everything we see, or even experience, is coloured by the way we are at the time, how we are feeling, if we are tired, if we are in a rush or taking our time. This might be an obvious point that I am making but it is something we often forget when we are reacting to things that happen to us, because we are reacting. But if we remember that what we are experiencing from moment to moment is affected by how we are in those moments then we have a better chance of dealing well with the ups and downs of life, and I would say a better chance of being content as well. This is consciously choosing to be in a beautiful state, not an angry state or a stressed state, but a beautiful one.

Talking of beautiful states, the Euros 2020 final was a big moment in my home country’s footballing history, where England made it to the final of the Euros, something many football fans thought would never happen. Prior to the result of the match, the mood of the nation had been lifted, whether you enjoy football or not, the positivity has been infectious and we have been living in a happier state, generally, until of course we lost in penalties again. But we must remember that both Italy, who we faced in the final, and England have had a really difficult time during the pandemic and the joy we felt in both of our nations up to the final, and more so for Italy now, mark a new chapter in our national stories, it is a great contrast to the suffering we have had. The deeper the turmoil the higher the joy and the better we can choose to live; this is also true even when our football team does not win. And with the Olympics starting in Tokyo I hope each nations spirits will be lifts as they follow their athletes who are competing.

In order to be more content it is perhaps better to act instead of react, by which I mean taking control of the moments before we react so that we can make better decisions in what we say and what we do, in response to any situation. There is a Buddhist Mindfulness practice called the Three Minute Breathing Space to be used when we feel angry or stressed about something. The practice consists of stopping what you are doing and taking some slow and deep breathes for three minutes, or less if you like. It is a quick time out from the stresses of life, which can help enormously if you live particularly stressful lives. Practices like this can reduce stress and give us the presence of mind to avoid reacting to situations without thinking about what we intend to say or do in response to them.

We all have ways that help us de-stress, ways that we have developed through out our lives, hobbies that we have chosen to do, activities that are part of our daily routine, which are enjoyable and fun. But, these things are rarely structured activities as part of a path to find contentment, they are the things that make life enjoyable and fun, when it can be. There is nothing wrong with making the best out of life and enjoying it as much as possible. In many ways I would say that this is a road to contentment itself, but for those that want a more structured approach to finding contentment there is religion or a spiritual path. Here are some words on contentment from the some of the great religions of the world.

The Buddha said: ‘Contentment is the highest wealth.’ (Dhp.204), meaning that when we are content we do not need to get anything, go anywhere or be anything to be happy because we already are, and thus, contentment is more valuable than any possession or accomplishment. The Buddha describes the monk’s contentment like this: ‘He is satisfied with a robe to cover his body and alms food to satisfy his stomach and having accepted no more than is sufficient he goes his way, just as a bird flies here and there taking with it no more than its wings.’(D.I,71).

In the Bible, in the book of Timothy 6:verse 6-8 it says:

“Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world. But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.”

In Yoga, in the Hindu tradition, there are the Niyamas, ten ethical guidelines, which are the foundation of skillful living, or living in a morally good way. The second Niyama is called Santosha, or Contentment, and the expectation is this:

Nurture contentment, seeking joy and serenity in life. Be happy, smile and uplift others. Live in constant gratitude for your health, your friends and your belongings, Don’t complain about what you don’t possess. Identify with the eternal You, rather than mind, body or emotions. Keep the mountaintop view that life is an opportunity for spiritual progress. Live in the eternal now.

This is all good advice, and it makes it clear to me that on the road to contentment a spiritual path can be beneficial, because we are given advice on how to live in order to be content. There is a direct relationship between the directions given and the attainment of contentment, as many who have followed spiritual paths have stated in the past.

But what about those of us who are making the best of things, those of us that have busy lives spent doing what we can to provide for our families and ourselves, and follow our own spiritual paths when we can. Life can be difficult, and keeping a calm perspective on things when life doesn’t always go to plan is not an easy thing to do. I recommend using the wisdom of the many religions of the world, and the wisdom of those around us, our friends and family as well, they are our helpers, they sustain us as we sustain them. Our paths through life are also greatly helped by the enjoyment of life itself, our pleasure in the small things, and not wanting more than the world has allowed us to have. I believe it is a blessing to be alive at all, everything else is a bonus.

Why finding happiness can be so hard

Happiness

“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.”

– Omar Khayyam

I have heard it said that we struggle to find happiness because of the very act of seeking it. This might sound crazy, but what I mean is, that if we make the pursuit of happiness a demand, something that we feel we must do, then the pressure of this demand can make us unhappy. The desire to be happy becomes twisted into a demand that we think we have to achieve. What we need to do instead is to create the conditions for happiness in our lives. This could be found in enjoying activities for their own sake, much like children do.

When we are engrossed is something we become one with the moment that we are in. There is no past or future, only the now, the moment we are in. When we are engaged in sporting activities, creative activities, good conversations, listening to a fantastic piece of music, we are lost in the moment, we are centred and content. We have all experienced glimpses of this and once we have had a taste of it we generally want more, and I think this fuels our pursuit of happiness.

The problem with life is that with the fantastic moments also come the sad and painful moments, moments that can make us feel that we may find it difficult to find happiness again, so we immerse ourselves in the pursuit of happiness in the world, when the answer is not in our experiences in the world, but in our understanding of those experiences. Happiness is found in how we view the world and all the people and things within it. It involves our beliefs and our opinions, and it involves letting go of our prejudices and judgements. It is a return to the oneness that we began life with.

When we are born experience is all one, there are no divisions. Our senses have not separated into sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste yet. But as we grow and learn and develop we begin to process our experiences into these five separate senses. We then divide up the world into categories, into positives and negatives for example, in order to understand it. This is how we get to understand everything around us, we categorise and label everything.

However, much of this we need to unlearn if we are to find happiness, because tied up in the polar opposites of how we understand the world are judgements and expectations, barriers that often divide people and cultures. When we are good then someone else must be bad. If we are right then someone has to be wrong. In every religion in the world there is mentioned the need to return to a oneness, perhaps the oneness from which we came.

Every living being has the right to be happy, but we should remember that it is OK to be happy with what we already have; we can be content with what we already have. So it can be helpful to think about what in our lives is just as we want it to be, what things don’t need changing, and whatever is left over can become things we aim to improve. Being aware of the good things in our lives first can make us more grateful, and therefore happier without trying to achieve happiness.

We could also set ourselves goals aimed at improving the lives of other people. This could be giving to charity or a food bank, it could be trying to make other people smile each day, whatever we can think of to help other people. In 2018 let us aim to make it a very good year for ourselves and all of those around us, because some of the best goals are those that enrich and improve the lives of other people.

As the Buddha said:

“An act to make another happy, inspires the other to make still another happy, and so happiness is aroused and abounds. Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

Mini Reflection: The challenge of short and long term goals

Mini Reflections

Always have a vision, an almost unachievable and wonderful reality that matches your values and beliefs, but also set achievable daily goals which are aimed at the vision ahead of you. The vision is the destination, your values and beliefs are your compass and the map comes into existence when you know where you are and where you want to get to. However, without achieving the daily goals we will never get there.

Mini Reflection: The blessings of others

Mini Reflections

Let us ponder on our blessings, on the gifts that come into our lives. Each of us is a gift to each person in our lives, and each person who comes into our lives is also a gift. Sometimes they make us smile, other times they help us to practice patience, other times they help us to practice working together for a collective goal. Let us all try to be a gift to every person whose lives we touch.

-The Fullfilment Project

Know where you are starting from

Happiness, Success

Sometimes we feel paralysed by life and we feel that we should be doing something greater, something better, but we are unsure what this is. Fear of the future and the regret of the past paralyses us. It is important to pay attention to both the future and the past, but we have to do this in the right way.

When we are fearful of the future or regretful of the past our mind is rarely in the present, we are fully focused on the fear and the regret. If we are not present in the moment then we are preventing ourselves from being happy or successful in the present. We cannot act in the future or the past, but we can act in the present, so to get out of this paralysis we have to focus on what is happening now.

I used to spend a lot of my time thinking about what the future may bring, what my life might be like without knowing what I wanted to do with my life. I was so focused on the future I was missing the present. This is something that many of us do. We either don’t have a clear idea of what we want to achieve or we do have an idea but we aren’t sure what we need to do to reach this achievement, because we haven’t researched what we think we want. To figure out what we want to achieve with our career or our health or our relationships, we need to research our plans and start from where we are. This process has three stages to it: Grounding, Reflection and Decisive Action.

Grounding.

We need to move our focus and ground ourselves in the present. Asking ourselves what we are happy with and what we are unhappy with, what we have control over and what we don’t. This is our base camp and the end goal will be the summit of a theoretical mountain. Knowing ourselves deeply is always the best place to start. If we know ourselves then we will make decisions in our best interests.

Reflection

Next we need to reflect on our past through the prism of our present. We should reflect on our experience, our skills, our strengths, our interests, our values and our beliefs. Understanding how all of these things make up who we are in this present moment is very important.

This will help us to realise two things. What our overarching purpose is in our lives and from this what we want to see manifest in our lives. Our purpose is our why, why we do what we do and the way we do it. My ‘Why’ is “Finding purpose is a path we all walk together, through helping each other find happiness and success,” which is why I write this blog. Your ‘Why’ will help you find what you want to manifest in your life.

When we find our ‘Why’ and what we want to manifest in our life, next we should research it and find out all of its aspects before reverse engineering the steps from where we are now to where we want to be.

These first two stages will not happen over night, becoming grounded in the present involves developing new mental habits, which takes practice and dedication. However, it does help to think of this as creating new habits which will replace old ones, rather than trying to remove the old habits. This is a matter of where we put your focus.

Decisive Action

When we have grounded ourselves in our present circumstances and reflected on our skills and experience, our values and beliefs, then the next step is to set steps to achieve on the way to the goal. These will be metaphorical milestone on the climb up the mountain to achieve what we want to see happen in our lives.

An important step that many miss out is to research the goals we want to achieve in order to clarify what is involved and, importantly, if it is truly what we want to see happen. Some goals are set because something looks or sounds good or others are doing it and it is right for them. Just as we reflect deeply on ourselves, we have to put the same effort into analysing our goals. If the research is not done then we may achieve our intended goal but it may not produce the fulfilment we expect.

We each walk through our lives picking up experiences and memories, skills and understandings. Our sense of self is formed like a sculpture chipped out of rock over time, bearing the marks of these things. Each of our lives is a journey and our happiness and success are shaped by everything we experience and everything we think, say and do. Therefore, in order to live fulfilling lives our goals need to match who we are. Ground yourself in the present, reflect on your past and this will help you reach your desired goals in your future, the summit of that metaphorical mountain.

What is getting in the way of you finding the goals that match your true self?

The art of listening

Happiness

I have often heard the saying that we have one mouth and two ears, so we should spend twice as long listening than we do talking. Which often gets a smile, but I believe that this deceptively simple idea actually has a deep meaning. If we followed this advice we would know more about each other and therefore would judge each other less, because knowing someone’s personal circumstances can help us better understand what they do and what they say. It also encourages us to build bridges between ourselves and others, rather than separating ourselves in an attempt at self preservation.

Listening well is a skill. There have been times when my mind has started to wander when someone was talking to me. I started thinking about the things I was going to do that day or things that were causing stress in my life at that time. I was not listening to what was being said. There have also been times when I was not listening because I was waiting for a gap to say what I wanted to say. We have all done these things, part of being human is making such self centred mistakes (occasionally). The aim is to notice that we are doing these things so we can make positive changes, but we have to be self confident enough to analyse our behaviour and adjust it for the better.

The more I have reflected on the importance of listening the more I have come to see listening as a gift; it is never about you and it is always about the person speaking. The gift of listening well to others is that they feel listened to, that they count and somebody cares enough to want to know what they have to say. Sometimes this is because they are going through a tough time and they don’t want answers, they just need someone to listen.

Sometimes listening well allows you to make appropriate suggestions that can help the person talking. The art is not only to listen well, but also to know when is the right time to comment or give advice and when you should just listen. It is an art because it is hard to get right. It takes practice, for some more than others and that is OK.

The benefit of listening also means that you learn new things. You can learn from every person you meet if you listen to them. When you listen you receive. When you talk this can’t happen. Let us all try to listen more and talk less.

Have you ever successfully helped someone by listening to them?

Lessons in every moment

Success

There are lessons to be learned in every experience, every interaction, every moment. If our first instinct is to put blame onto a situation or a person then we are not taking responsibility for our own path through life. Taking ownership of every failure and every misunderstanding will lead to looking for what each of these can teach us. We should never stop learning until our dying breath.