Gratitude – The Fullfilment Project

Try To Be Grateful

There are millions of people in the world who do not have access to clean water. Many have no access to electricity. Many are homeless. There are so many things that we take for granted that others just don’t have.

Being grateful does two things. It puts your life into perspective in relation to others who do not have what we have and it makes us so much happier. Start off the day by listing at least five things that you are grateful for, starting with the fact that you woke up alive this morning and you will be in a really good place to start your day.

You Are What You Think

Happiness, Health

What you focus on you feel. If the same thing is repeated it can become who you think you are. We can become who we fear we might be or become who we hope we will be.

If we think the worst will likely happen then our brains will look for evidence of this being true. If we think the best will happen then our brains will do the same. Thinking positive is clearly the better option.

There are a lot of positive things we can be grateful for. The Sun came up today, as it has every day of your life so far and for many many years before you arrived here in your life. If the Sun disappeared I have heard it said that in 18 hours all life on Earth would be gone.

The Sun is essential for life to exist on this planet, yet we rarely spare a thought for how fortunate we are that all life on Earth gets another day, and another day, and so on.

If you begin the day just being grateful for the Sun rising, you might find other things to be grateful for and you will likely have a good day, because your mind will look for evidence for it.

The Meaning Matters

Happiness, Success, The Pathway To Fulfilment

What meaning do you put on the experiences you have? I heard a story recently of two American brothers who were wrongfully imprisoned for 25 years. When they were released they went to get their driving licences back at the American DMV they waited in line for over two hours, but to them it was a wonderful experience. The meaning they placed on the situation was that they were free. The next person in the line might have felt trapped.

A lot of the meaning we put onto the experiences we have come from our upbringing and our beliefs, but, to a degree, we can choose what situations mean to us. For example we can be grateful for a challenging situation because we learn what we are capable of or we can feel like a victim, which removes our ability to take ownership of what we then do moving forward. Choose the meaning carefully, as it can uplift you or bring you down.

To Be Grateful

Happiness

I will be 40 years old in a few days time and it has got me thinking about life and how we spend it. For you 40 might seem old or it might seem young or you could be a similar age. Each point of perspective is important.

Our age is often our frame of reference for how we feel about things in life and how we explain our relationship to them. For example, someone who has retired and has not touched a computer for a while might describe themselves as way behind when it comes to technology and they decide they will never catch up. For others of a similar age new technology is an interesting adventure. So how we each see our age matters.

One thing that has struck me while coming to terms with another decade having past, is that I am grateful. I am grateful because many do not make it to my age. This is true in normal times, but especially during a pandemic. To make it to a new birthday, at whatever age, is a privilege, a privilege denied to many.

So, take a moment and reflect on what you have been through and how it has shaped you. Think about how far you have come and be grateful that you woke up this morning and that you have another chance to make a difference.

What To Be Grateful For

Happiness

Recently I have begun to realise that I am getting on in years. Next year I will have my 40th birthday, a number that seems a lot bigger now it is pending in my life. I’ve also got more grey hair appearing. At first I had the usual fear based reaction that makes you question if you’ve done all that you set out to do and makes you reassess everything.

I felt myself going down a rabbit hole of despair and I caught myself and six words changed my mindset immediately. I am grateful for the grey. Many people do not live to 40. I realised that every year, every day is a privilege many have not had.

Advertising companies and our culture in general will have you wanting to be grateful for material things, things that you can buy and own. In my view these are the wrong things to be grateful for, as nice as they are.

Be grateful for waking up this morning, for have the health that you have, the partner you have, for having a home and food to eat, for having a job that pays the bills, for having friends and colleagues, for the challenges that help you grow, and for having been born at all.

If you are grateful for these things then your life will be so much happier and you will live a more present life.

Making The Most Of Lockdown

The Fullfilment Framework

“The oak fought the wind and was broken, the willow bent when it must and survived.”
― Robert Jordan

Challenging Times

It looks like it might be here again in England, full lockdown. We will find out this week, when Parliament debate it. At the start of this week panic buying began again, made worse by the sudden need to Christmas shop, just in case the lockdown continues into December. The fear and the loneliness. The uncertainty and the financial stress. These are challenging time.

Some might say that having a bit more time to ourselves could be used for self-development or devoted to a hobby or passion. It is not so easy if we are worrying if we can pay our bills or our rent or mortgage. However, sometimes deepening a spiritual practice or devoting time to an activity we love can heal the soul, just a little.

Can Escapism Help?

I am not saying that meditating more or finding a hobby will solve everything, but it can certainly help. These sort of things do bring a form of escapism, in some cases, and in others can bring meaning to the experiences we have, both good and bad. Much in religious literature, for example, is guidance on how to deal with suffering.

Mostly, we do not have the time to devote to such nourishing activities, because life has a way of becoming busy. We take on responsibilities in order to progress and our personal lives can be filled with family time and relationship time. Often time for personal activities is at the bottom of our priorities. The irony is often that more focus on doing what we care about or what we love brings more joy and meaning, and we become better and more productive at the other stuff in life.

Attitude Is Everything

Lockdown could be seen as forced imprisonment and restrictions, but on the flip side it can be seen as more available time, time being a resource that cannot be replaced. Even if your finances are becoming uncertain or insufficient, or you are separated from your loved ones, finding something creative or fun or spiritual can build some resilience and lift your spirits.

In life one of the few things we have control over is our attitude to our present circumstances. Something that Viktor Frankl writes about in their book Man’s Search For Meaning, which recounted their experiences as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps. Some prisoners would give up where as others would go around making sure everyone was as comfortable and reassured as they could be. They chose a mission, to take care of those around them, and it got them through the horrors they were facing.

Our attitude to our circumstances is our first line of defense against despair and depression. If we chose to take care of those around us, whether friend, family, colleague or acquaintance, we choose to make our situation and theirs better. If we choose to use our time wisely, when a lockdown provides us with more of this finite resource, our life becomes fuller and nourishing.

Conclusion

We can find a way forward, no matter the apparent bleakness before us. So paint, draw, dance, learn, share, sing, build, pray, meditate, contemplate the meaning of things, use your time constructively and this part of your life will be the beginning of better tomorrows.

Gratitude For What We Can Give

Happiness

“Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously.”
Bible, 2 Corinthians 9; 6

Thanksgiving

I have been reflecting this past week on what it is that we can be grateful for, given that we, and so many others, have suffered under the pervasive effects of the Coronavirus pandemic. Primarily, this will be the good health of our family and friends, though we have been separated from them, in many cases. Traditionally, at this time of year we would bring in the crop and store it away for the Winter months, and we would give thanks for the harvest we have received. We would thank God for the blessings of nature and take pride in the work of the community to plant and tend and harvest the crops. It is a time of thanksgiving, as it is referred to across the pond in America.

I am also reminded that the turning of the seasons and the times of the year that certain plants grows and come to their fullest occurs without human involvement, but we have harnessed the cycles of nature to our advantage through farming year after year, working with nature to sustain our community, which is now a global community.

It has been an unusual year this year, to say the least, with many of us having to adjust to staying at home, working from home, and being away from our loved ones. It has tested us, individually and as communities. Many have stepped up and supported others in this time of crisis, with neighbours doing the weekly shop for those who have had to self-isolate, activities have been set up using Zoom, and other online platforms, to allow us to connect, if only virtually, and many raising money and showing support for our incredible NHS, who have above and beyond the call of duty during this pandemic.

Generally speaking, we no longer have the need to plant, tend and harvest crops as a community, so much of our food is sourced from around the world, and we only need to buy the food we need from the supermarket or local shops. In that sense we are out of touch with nature, our lives are not so integrally connected to the ebb and flow of the seasons as they used to be. Our source of food is not dependent on us having worked to produce it, only having the money to pay for it.

Sharing What We Can

Something that has been difficult for some as their hours at work have been reduced or stopped all together, and many have been furl-owed, causing an uptake in those needing to access Food Banks. I recommend that when you are doing your shopping in the supermarket that you buy extra non-perishable goods and put them in the Food Bank baskets on your way out. We are in this together, and if we can share the food we can buy with those who cannot afford to, then we should. We are never a divided society, unless we choose to be, and the greatest we can be is when we take care of the least of us, so we may all thrive.

What has amazed me over these many months of the pandemic is the extraordinary generosity of spirit that has prevailed. The kindness and the love shown by people. There has been fear and confusion. There was panic buying and there was conspiracy theories, as there still are, there are some that like to see division in the world, because they can profit from it, but the vast majority of us have become our better selves, we have risen to the moment. And if we are talking about what we have been able to reap from this year, I think the community spiritedness of the many across the world is something to be extremely grateful for.

Harvest time is also a key time of the year, the changing of the season from Summer to Autumn. The apparent dying back of nature and the transition to the cold, dark and wet Winter months to come. For me it is a reminder that change is constant in our lives, but as Autumn always proves, the journey is beautiful. Even Winter has it’s own beauty, as do all the seasons.

The Cycles of Life

We can also think of our lives in seasons, as we often do, saying that someone is in their Autumn years, for example. What is interesting about this metaphor is that the seasons are cyclical, they go in a cycle, from Spring back around to Spring again, for millions of years, long before the Human species appeared on the Earth. Our lives, though appearing to be linear, have cycles within them. Our relationships begin and end and new ones begin, our careers often begin in one field and change to another, we have significant parts of our lives that teach us important life lessons, causing a wiser understanding and a new way of living. The Native American Indians see life as a circle. In the words of Black Elk, from the book Black Elk Speaks,

“You have noticed that everything an Indian does [is] in a circle, and that is because the Power of the World always works in circles, and everything tries to be round… …Everything the power of the world does is done in a circle. The sky is round and I have heard that the earth is round like a ball and so are all the stars. The wind, in its greatest power, whirls. Birds make their nests in circles, for theirs is the same religion as ours. The sun comes forth and goes down again in a circle. The moon does the same and both are round. Even the seasons form a great circle in their changing and always come back again to where they were.

The life of a man is a circle from childhood to childhood, and so it is in everything where power moves. Our teepees were round like the nests of birds, and these were always set in a circle, the nation’s hoop, a nest of many nests, where the Great Spirit meant for us to hatch our children.”

Native American Indians see their Elders as returning to a kind of childhood, with their wider vision and fewer boundaries on things. The wisdom of the Elders then being passed onto the younger members of their tribe. There is something to be learned from thinking of our lives as moving in circles, much like the metronome of the seasons, which pre-dates us and will continue to circle around long into the future, as the earth circles the Sun and the Moon circles our planet Earth.

Together Is Better

Much of what has helped us get through this pandemic thus far has been the wisdom of collective responsibility, the fact that the least of us is just as important as the rest of us. It has been revealed that those some saw as lesser, who work in customer services, have been essential in this pandemic, and that they always have been. Without them, how could we buy the food that we need. Also, those that have delivered what we have needed, food and other things. Many of these people that keep society working. All people should be given respect, compassion and empathy. A “thank you” and a “good afternoon” can raise the spirits of someone, especially during times such as these.

Along with collective responsibility, there is also the idea that sometimes we plant the seeds of trees in the knowledge that others will benefit from their shade. We sow the seeds knowing that the harvest will be enjoyed by others. Giving without expecting anything in return. A lesson we can take from this harvest time of year and the way many have risen up to help others during this pandemic. If we all thought in this way, relinquishing the need for our actions to have some self-interest, what a world it would be. This is the path of all spiritual seekers, the path of altruism.

Something to think about…

Think about what it is that you have been given, and what of that you can share with others.

Remedies To A Crisis

Happiness, The Fullfilment Framework

“Self-control is strength. Right thought is mastery. Calmness is power.” James Allen

Not Being In Control

We are going through a lot of anxiety across the world at the moment with the outbreak of the Coronavirus, there is much uncertainty around our health, whether we have the virus or if we will get it, whether we will lose our jobs, and when we have lost our jobs how we will pay the bills, whether our loved ones are safe, and how long this will all last. Some countries appear to be managing this crisis better than others, and these countries have been predominantly governed by women, whose natural instinct is often taken care of their people. Male leaders tend to be more head strong and want to appear to be strong.

These are generalisations, and not all male or female leaders fit these archetypes, but the global leadership styles that have kept some citizens safe and others not is quite telling. I think the degree to which people feel their leader(s) are taking care of them in a crisis is the degree to which we feel less or more anxious.

For example, some companies have said that they will guarantee that their staff will get paid, or at least 80% oft their salary, and that no one will be fired. Some smaller companies cannot afford to do this unfortunately, but those who are told that they will be taken care of will do all they can to keep their company going through this crisis, they will collectively protect their company because their leaders protected them.

On an individual level, it can be difficult to cope with the uncertainty, and the anxiety that arises from it, especially if we feel that we are not taken care of. Some express their anxiety through anger, we have seen an increase in domestic violence during this crisis. Some express this through trying to control unusual situations.

I heard a story from a friend of mine, who works on a shop, that an elderly man tried to attack her with a shovel, because she would not give him a refund for it, due to him not being able to provide a receipt. The shovel only cost £3, but I suspect he was trying to control the situation because he did not feel that he had control over other things due to this crisis.

In my experience, and through my research into how to live well, I think there are some crucial remedies to anxiety, especially when the anxiety is related to not feeling in control.

Self-Awareness

If we spend time being with our unpleasant emotions, as difficult as this is, if we can have the bravery to just be with them and not run away into distractions and intoxication then we can begin to see what things trigger our anxiety or our anger, or why we criticise and belittle others, then we can begin to develop deep self-awareness. The longer we spend being with ourselves in this way the more we are able to figure out our triggers for negative thoughts and behaviour and to find ways to handle these things better.

If we can figure out our triggers we can develop techniques to reduce our reactions to them, or if this is not possible, to find ways to avoid the triggers, for the sake of our own wellbeing. This is the life long process of self-improvement that will increase our quality of life and our wellbeing, because it will raise our happiness levels and improve our relationships.

Self-Control

If we can become more self-aware we can take responsibility for our own emotions and respond to situations rather than react to them. If we can begin to manage our emotions better we will have more control over what happens in our lives, because even though we cannot control being in the situations we find ourselves in necessarily, because we are already in them, we have a choice of how we act in the following moments.

If we have self-awareness and have developed self-control, then we have clearer thinking and can act out of compassion and altruism, and we can see further into the future of possibilities and determine our best course of action for a positive outcome. This type of mastery is mastery of the self, and it takes years to develop, but if we do not start then we will spend a lot of our lives reacting, often negatively, to each and every situation we find ourselves in and our happiness levels will plummet and our levels of anxiety will go up, because we will have less certainty.

When we let the uncertain nature of the world shake our sense of being we will always struggle. Self-awareness and self-control build a stoicism that will allow us to weather the storms of life and enjoy the fruits of it too.

Gratitude and Kindness

These are two of the most powerful antidotes to anxiety, in the moment. When we are grateful for the little things in life, then our bodies conspire to make us feel good with the hormones it produces. The same is true of being kind to others. To be grateful and to be kind makes us feel good and it reduces the hormones our bodies produce when we feel anxious.

Simply listing ten things we are grateful for every morning, making sure we smile at people and give them compliments, these are things we can all do, and if they become our daily habits then the crisis we are all in does not seem as bad. We develop the feeling that we are in this together and that we will get through this.

So, spend time with yourself, getting to know how you react and respond to difficult situations. Develop better strategies to manage yourself in these situations. Be more grateful for what you have and kinder to others around you. Do these things and this crisis will be easier to manage and you will be on your way to self mastery and a wonderful life.

Why finding happiness can be so hard

Happiness

“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.”

– Omar Khayyam

I have heard it said that we struggle to find happiness because of the very act of seeking it. This might sound crazy, but what I mean is, that if we make the pursuit of happiness a demand, something that we feel we must do, then the pressure of this demand can make us unhappy. The desire to be happy becomes twisted into a demand that we think we have to achieve. What we need to do instead is to create the conditions for happiness in our lives. This could be found in enjoying activities for their own sake, much like children do.

When we are engrossed is something we become one with the moment that we are in. There is no past or future, only the now, the moment we are in. When we are engaged in sporting activities, creative activities, good conversations, listening to a fantastic piece of music, we are lost in the moment, we are centred and content. We have all experienced glimpses of this and once we have had a taste of it we generally want more, and I think this fuels our pursuit of happiness.

The problem with life is that with the fantastic moments also come the sad and painful moments, moments that can make us feel that we may find it difficult to find happiness again, so we immerse ourselves in the pursuit of happiness in the world, when the answer is not in our experiences in the world, but in our understanding of those experiences. Happiness is found in how we view the world and all the people and things within it. It involves our beliefs and our opinions, and it involves letting go of our prejudices and judgements. It is a return to the oneness that we began life with.

When we are born experience is all one, there are no divisions. Our senses have not separated into sight, hearing, touch, smell and taste yet. But as we grow and learn and develop we begin to process our experiences into these five separate senses. We then divide up the world into categories, into positives and negatives for example, in order to understand it. This is how we get to understand everything around us, we categorise and label everything.

However, much of this we need to unlearn if we are to find happiness, because tied up in the polar opposites of how we understand the world are judgements and expectations, barriers that often divide people and cultures. When we are good then someone else must be bad. If we are right then someone has to be wrong. In every religion in the world there is mentioned the need to return to a oneness, perhaps the oneness from which we came.

Every living being has the right to be happy, but we should remember that it is OK to be happy with what we already have; we can be content with what we already have. So it can be helpful to think about what in our lives is just as we want it to be, what things don’t need changing, and whatever is left over can become things we aim to improve. Being aware of the good things in our lives first can make us more grateful, and therefore happier without trying to achieve happiness.

We could also set ourselves goals aimed at improving the lives of other people. This could be giving to charity or a food bank, it could be trying to make other people smile each day, whatever we can think of to help other people. In 2018 let us aim to make it a very good year for ourselves and all of those around us, because some of the best goals are those that enrich and improve the lives of other people.

As the Buddha said:

“An act to make another happy, inspires the other to make still another happy, and so happiness is aroused and abounds. Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the single candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”

Mini Reflection: The blessings of others

Mini Reflections

Let us ponder on our blessings, on the gifts that come into our lives. Each of us is a gift to each person in our lives, and each person who comes into our lives is also a gift. Sometimes they make us smile, other times they help us to practice patience, other times they help us to practice working together for a collective goal. Let us all try to be a gift to every person whose lives we touch.

-The Fullfilment Project

The art of listening

Happiness

I have often heard the saying that we have one mouth and two ears, so we should spend twice as long listening than we do talking. Which often gets a smile, but I believe that this deceptively simple idea actually has a deep meaning. If we followed this advice we would know more about each other and therefore would judge each other less, because knowing someone’s personal circumstances can help us better understand what they do and what they say. It also encourages us to build bridges between ourselves and others, rather than separating ourselves in an attempt at self preservation.

Listening well is a skill. There have been times when my mind has started to wander when someone was talking to me. I started thinking about the things I was going to do that day or things that were causing stress in my life at that time. I was not listening to what was being said. There have also been times when I was not listening because I was waiting for a gap to say what I wanted to say. We have all done these things, part of being human is making such self centred mistakes (occasionally). The aim is to notice that we are doing these things so we can make positive changes, but we have to be self confident enough to analyse our behaviour and adjust it for the better.

The more I have reflected on the importance of listening the more I have come to see listening as a gift; it is never about you and it is always about the person speaking. The gift of listening well to others is that they feel listened to, that they count and somebody cares enough to want to know what they have to say. Sometimes this is because they are going through a tough time and they don’t want answers, they just need someone to listen.

Sometimes listening well allows you to make appropriate suggestions that can help the person talking. The art is not only to listen well, but also to know when is the right time to comment or give advice and when you should just listen. It is an art because it is hard to get right. It takes practice, for some more than others and that is OK.

The benefit of listening also means that you learn new things. You can learn from every person you meet if you listen to them. When you listen you receive. When you talk this can’t happen. Let us all try to listen more and talk less.

Have you ever successfully helped someone by listening to them?

The power of gratitude

Happiness

When it comes to happiness one of the things that is essential is gratitude. It is hard to feel negative emotions like anger or frustration while you focus on being grateful. This is why cultivating a daily practice of reflecting on what you are grateful for can be so powerful.

If you are lucky enough to be born in the West you have effectively won the lottery. There are countries where the citizens do not have access to the Internet or the government controls the media they have access to and people can be executed for things we take for granted in our day to day lives. These are extreme examples but they are true.

A large percentage of the world’s population live on less than £1 a day. In comparison many of us live a dream life. So perspective can be a great motivator to become more grateful and gratitude is a powerful force that can bring happiness to your life.